


The Great Discord Server of Gay Rick Mach

by MrAquaticKitty



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anime, Both Kinds, Discord - Freeform, Edelgard and Ferdinand are 19, Fluff, Love Live! References, Magic, Mentions of Utapri, Minecraft, Multi, Not beta, Possible Spoilers, Probably ooc, a lot of them are secretly furries, bernadetta and marianne are furries, chatfic, crackfic, cursing, felix is a furry in denial, ferdinand is a useless lesbian, it gets weirdly fluffy, mentions of cactus, pretimeskip, shitpost, slow burn?, theres a halloween episode, they use discord, very gay, vsauce references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 22:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20937596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrAquaticKitty/pseuds/MrAquaticKitty
Summary: xXLorenzXx: Claude von Riegan.xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao yes bbxXLorenzXx: Please stop posting everything I say into general as a copypasta. This is serious, Claude. I cannot believe that you would put my carefully crafted words and turn them into such horrible things. If I see this ome more time I shall report you to Seteth. Mark my words, von Riegan. I am deadly serious this time. I know last time I did not report you when I threatened you when you put your minecraft bed next to mine when I told you not to but this is serious.——————————————————This is the heartwarming tale of the discord server of Garreg Mach Monastery.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction in years uwu! I sometimes write serious shit but i lovr me a shitpost! Pls enjoy this gay hell
> 
> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(xXLorenzXx to xXCLAUDE420Xx)

xXLorenzXx: Claude von Riegan.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao yes bb

xXLorenzXx: Please stop posting everything I say into general as a copypasta. This is serious, Claude. I cannot believe that you would put my carefully crafted words and turn them into such horrible things. If I see this ome more time I shall report you to Seteth. Mark my words, von Riegan. I am deadly serious this time. I know last time I did not report you when I threatened you when you put your minecraft bed next to mine when I told you not to but this is serious.

—————————————————————  
#General

xXCLAUDE420Xx: @everyone Please stop posting everything I say into general as a copypasta. This is serious, Claude. I cannot believe that you would put my carefully crafted words and turn them into such horrible things. If I see this ome more time I shall report you to Seteth. Mark my words, von Riegan. I am deadly serious this time. I know last time I did not report you when I threatened you when you put your minecraft bed next to mine when I told you not to but this is serious.

ThePrincessQueen: omfg claude

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: i am sobbing

Hubert: Please do not @ everyone for every single blasphemously horrid excuse for comedy that dwells within your pathetic brain.

ThePrincessQueen: omfg

ThisIsDimirti: A bit on the rude side, but I agree with Hubert. Claude, please do not @ everyone next time. Humor is appreciated at times but is it really necessary to have everyone know immediately?

xXLorenzXx: FUCK YOU CLAUDE VON RIEGAN I TOLD YOU NOT TO POST EVERY MESSAGE I SEND YOU INTO GENERAL IM GONNA COMMIT HORRID ACTS!

FEARHER: LORENZ SAID FUCK

lovelyMrAshe: guys please

xXLorenzXx: I can and will curse all I want! I’ll have you know I say “fuck” at LEAST five times a year!

lovelyMrAshe: Um, guys?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: oooooo how scandalous

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao

xXLorenzXx: “Lmao?” Is that what you have to say for yourself?!

HorseBoy: It appears that I’ve been pinged! I cannot wait to see what important message that was sent our way!

Horseboy: oh

lovelyMrAshe: ...guys?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lol what r u gonna do about it big boy

xXLorenzXx: DO NOT CALL ME BIG BOY

xXCLAUDE420Xx: big boy

ThePrincessQueen: big boy

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: big boy

FEARHER: big boy

FuckYouAll: big boy

xXLorenzXx: FUCK YOU

lovelyMrAshe: guys seteth reads the chat

ThePrincessQueen: hol up

xXCLAUDE420Xx: say sike right now

Seteth: Indeed I do.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: SCATTER!

ThePrincessQueen: Hide in hubie’s room! He’ll never find us there!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: good thinking!!!

Hubert: Firstly, Seteth can still read the chat you morons. Secondly, If you were to step a mere inch closer to my room from whichever position you are currently in, I will have no choice but to resort to, ahem, “desperate measures.” Thirdly, this the fault of the moronic game you plebeians have decided to play. I have no part in this.

Seteth: I do not agree with Hubert’s definition of “desperate measures” as it does not directly reflect the Church’s teachings. However, I will punish those who participate in the exploitation of DMs without permission of both parties involved. This is your first warning. The second warning will have said person temporarily banned from the academy’s “Minecraft” servers. Both the “creative” and “survival” servers. Please do not exploit the DMs Of unwillingly participants in the future. -Seteth.  
—————————————————————  
(xXCLAUDE420Xx to Byleth2)

xXCLAUDE420Xx: y do u like mr fun ruiner

Byleth2: What do you mean, Claude?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: y u dating seteth he sucks

Byleth2: ...

Byleth2: Who told you?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao i told myself

Byleth2: Do not tell anyone.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: k anyways can you tell him to remove my current ban from the minecraft server also y do you like him

Byleth2: First answer- No I will not. You put your bed next to Lorenz’ when he told you not to then you griefed his base because he didn’t want to be your “minecraft boyfriend.”

Byleth2: Second answer- Seteth is a very kindhearted man and i love him dearly.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: this is why your byleth 2

Byleth2: No it is not.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao sure you keep telling yourself that

Byleth2: sigh

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :3 love ya too teach

—————————————————————  
(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Hey Ferdie? Can you Maybe control your pet demon? He’s standing by his door growling.

HorseBoy: “Pet Demon”? Hubert Von Vestra is not my pet! I do not control the actions of such a refined, dark, brooding, talented, beautiful, handsome, man!

ThePrincessQueen: im level 100 lesbean and that was the gayest thing ive ever read. When was the wedding again?

HorseBoy: Ugh, I do hate it when you tease me about such things. Please stop doing so.

ThePrincessQueen: <3

ThePrincessQueen: anyways, can you calm your vampire demon from hell? He’s scaring poor little Lysithie.

HorseBoy: I shall see what I can do. After all, it wouldn’t be so noble of me if I didn’t protect a defenseless maiden!

ThePrincessQueen: if i were you id be lucky that a certain singer and dancer didnt leak our dms to a certain house leader

HorseBoy: Pardon?

ThePrincessQueen: Nothing<3 Good luck Ferdie!  
—————————————————————  
(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Hey ferdie<3! How’d it go?

HorseBoy: Well...

ThePrincessQueen: Ooooo? Spill the tea!

HorseBoy: When I got to the hallway I saw Claude von Riegan with a bag of chipotle, waving it around Hubert while chanting what I assumed to be a curse before Hubert shot some dark magic at his face. Afterwards he slammed his door and as far as I know, he hasn’t come out.

ThePrincessQueen: iconic. I love it. Is Claude okay?

HorseBoy: I...I don’t know. He won’t stop singing “Revenge” while trying to get people to buy him more Chipotle with Miss Byleth’s allowance.

ThePrincessQueen: omg

HorseBoy: I know right!

ThePrincessQueen: So...did Miss Byleth buy him Chipotle?

HorseBoy: Pardon the caps lock but SHE DID!

ThePrincessQueen: OMFGGGGGG

ThePrincessQueen: PLEAAAAASE TELL ME YOU HAVE VIDEO OR PHOTOS

HorseBoy: Unfortunately I do not. As I do not believe in taking pictures of people who are not able to properly consent to it.

ThePrincessQueen: Oh ferdie youre such a sweetie<3

HorseBoy: No u

ThePrincessQueen: Who taught you that?

HorseBoy: Bernadetta! Is that the wrong use of it?

ThePrincessQueen: No. But be sure to thank her for me<3 Oh, and Miss Byleth too!

HorseBoy: Will do!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> claude ruins hubert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(xXTHOTSLAYERXx to FuckYouAll)

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Hey babe if I were jesus i would turn your tears into wine ;)

FuckYouAll: What the fuck does that even mean?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Haha, i know right? Anyways, you like guys?

FuckYouAll: Sylvain why are you like this?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: please answer me felix

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: felix where r u did i make u mad im sorry

FuckYouAll: it’s literally been three minutes, Sylvain

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: babe pls respond

FuckYouAll: I would ask if you were high but given your behavior the only way i can rationalize it is that you’re constantly high.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha then what

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: felix pls

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: come back pls

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: felix

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: :(

FuckYouAll: i left to grab a fucking orange juice from the kitchen you dumb fuck  
—————————————————————  
(BernieTheKitty to HorseBoy)

BernieTheKitty: hey um what do u think of my newest fursona mari? she’s a rag doll cat and um i thought youd like to see her

BernieTheKitty: i dunno what name to give her tho. if, um, youd like you could name her !!! dont feel pressured to do it tho okay?!

(above is a picture of an anime anthro cat)

HorseBoy: My, my! I think she’s lovely! You are very talented, Bernadetta!

BernieTheKitty: OMG WRONG PERSON!

BernieTheKitty: AAAAAAAAA

HorseBoy: ?

BernieTheKitty: im sorry Ferdinand!!!!

HorseBoy: Sorry about what? Your art is beautiful! Amazing! I am blinded by such talent!  
—————————————————————

#General

FEARHER: Guys, why do I hear screaming?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ah, my dearest Lysithea! That is no ordinary scream! That is the scream of a furry!

FEARHER: how would you know what a furry scream sounds like

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao just mess around with lorenz in minecraft and you’ll hear it

xXLorenzXx: Are you implying that i am a “furry”?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i dunno, are YOU implying that IM a furry?

xXLorenzXx: What?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: As heir to the throne i shall sentence you to furry court!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: @everyone It is important that Lorenz Hallmayo Glucose’s trial is made public!

Hubert: Claude.

ThePrincessQueen: this is gonna be good

Hubert: I have already told you not to @ everyone when it comes to your pathetic attempts at comedy. Did that warning not matter to you? Is this entire group chat a means to your sadistic tendencies disguised as “comedy”? I’ve had enough. If Lady Edelgard wasn’t here then I would’ve turned you to ash. Consider yourself lucky.

xXLorenzXx: Exactly. Especially when said attempts are at the expense of such a nobel individual as myself.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lol yall r just giving claudr more copypasta fuel skskdkskskd

ThePrincessQueen: ^^^^^^

Hubert: I am not. My threats are serious, unlike Lorenz’ empty playground insults.

PrincessEdie: Hubert, no.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: hubert yaaas fuckin slay a bitch anime vampire hell boy show claude who boss booooy

Hubert: I only take orders from Lady Edelgard. I shall not fight if she tells me to.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i oNlY tAkE oRdErS fROm ladY EDElGaRd i shAll NoT fIghT iF sHE tEllS Me tO

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: ur playing a dangerous game claude

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: and im totally on board 

Hubert: Meet me after class, Claude.

ThePrincessQueen: oooooOOOOO

HarryPotterGurl55: hey i just returned from my book club reading with mercie! Whatd we miss?

FEARHER: “furries” and claude making hubert mad

HarryPotterGurl55: oh  
—————————————————————  
(Hubert to xXCLAUDE420Xx)

Hubert: Claude. Where are you.

xXCLAUDEXx: off stealin ur boy Ferdinand lmao yet gud 

Hubert: Excuse me?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ah that’s right, you haven’t gotten your character arc yet.

Hubert: Claude.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: I can already picture it now- you and Ferdinand, sitting in a hot tub, five feet apart cause you don’t thing the other is gay. Then, when the sunsets, he stares into your eye(s?) and whisperes,”will you be my hubert von aegir?” and then i, with my minecraft boyfriend and our seventeen dogs, come in with fireworks. then i shall  
—————————————————————

(Hubert to Byleth2)

Hubert: Mr Byleth. How do we temporarily ban Claude from the General chat?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading ! im writing this while tired cause i get the best ideas when tired ! sorry its not as long lol


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar AND Claude do oopsies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

#General

xXCLAUDE420Xx: who wants to bet that dimitri can crush an apple with his thighs

Justbanme: I’ve seen him accidentally break a few swords in half with his sheer strength, but an apple with his thighs? We would have to assume his strength expands to his legs as well, not just his upper body.

xXFIGHTMEXx: why wouldnt he be able to linhardt? are you suggesting dimitri only practices his upper body strength?!

Justbanme: Perhaps I am.

xXFIGHTMEXx: SO THAT MEANS I CAN BEAT HIM IF HE DOESNT USE HIS ARMS? H*CK YEAH BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!11!

xXFIGHTMEXx: HERE I COME PREPARE PRINCE HAHAHAHAHAHA!1

Dedue: Please do not fight his highness.

Justbanme: Knowing Caspar, he immediately left.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: wheres dimirti i wanna watch this

Justbanme: Most likely around the training grounds.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: k thanks lazy boy

xXCLAUDE420Xx: am I bringing the apples or

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lol bring a few

xXCLAUDE420Xx: k

FuckYouAll: what the fuck is wrong with you people

Seteth: Please do not organize a fight. Friendly sparing is always welcome within the hours of 9:00 AM and 9:00 PM at the training grounds with the supervision of one or more knights as long it does not interfere with studying. Garreg Mach Monastery is not liable for any student related incidents outside of the academy. Furthermore, if a student were to engage in a fight outside of academy grounds, it is the responsibility of the students to settle it. Therefore, as a reminder of the papers that you have signed, the Garreg Mach Monastery staff are not legally responsible for any injuries, death, or disease that happens outside of the Monastery. -Seteth

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao

Seteth: What is “lmao”?

ThePrincessQueen: oh no

xXLorenzXx: Aha! It appears that I am about to get my revenge once and for all! For I am the great Lorenz, A+ student at Garreg Mach!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: It means Lorenz Made Ass Orange

Seteth: Does it now?

xXLorenzXx: CLAUDE VoN RIEGAN!

Hubert: Ha.

ThePrincessQueen: HUBERT LAUgHED

HorseBoy: Oh my.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: GUYS THE WORLD IS ENDING CLAUDE MADE VAMPIRE DEMON LAUGH

BernieTheKitty: aaaaa

FuckYouAll: Finally, I was waiting for it to end

ThePrincessQueen: Say a prayer!

Mari: I am..........

BernieTheKitty: AAAAAAAAAA

PrincessEdie: Guys, don’t bully hubert

Hubert: They are not bothering me, Lady Edelgard.

FuckYouAll: they’re bothering me by continuing to fucking breathe

lovelyMrAshe: guys

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Ashe, our prophet has spoken! Let us listen to what he has to say!

lovelyMrAshe: um...Prophet? ...

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: All hail Ashe! Bow to our lord!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: *bows*

xXCLAUDE420Xx: *bows*

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: *bows* ;3

ThePrincessQueen: *bows*

HorseBoy: *bows* (Am I doing this right?)

ThePrincessQueen: (You’re doing great sweetie<3)

HorswBoy: (Thank you, Dorothea!)

lovelyMrAshe: ...

lovelyMrAshe: Guys, Caspar is currently laying on the ground in agony because he tried to hit Dimitri in the shins. I think Linhardt brought apples(I am not sure why though), but he’s not helping him. He’s just staring...

lovelyMrAshe: Mercie is helping him to the infirmary while Seteth is trying to lecture them both but I don’t think either are listening.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: damnit i missed it!

FuckYouAll: I will admit, I am a bit disappointed I didn’t get to witness it. Perhaps Sylvain can go next.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: hahaha felix you’re so charismatic

ThePrincessQueen: Sylvain, stop trying to marry everything that has a pulse.

FuckYouAll: couldn’t the same thing be said about you

PrincessEdie: Excuse me?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmaoooooo you’re dead as fuck dude

FuckYouAll: You heard me

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: FUCK HIM UP EDELGARD

Hubert: I will gladly do it for you if you wish.

PrincessEdie: Not necessary.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i am NOT missing this

xXCLAUDE420Xx: come on hilda lets go

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: on my way

BernieTheKitty: can um we maybe um not fight.........please

PrincessEdie: There will be no fighting.

BernieTheKitty: oh ok good plsdontbemadatmeiminnocentaaaaaaaaaa

PrincessEdie: It is alright Bernadetta, you did no wrong.

BernieTheKitty: o.........ok.........

PrincessEdie: Just going to have a chat.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: owo, a chat huh

PrincessEdie: Claude, please don’t.  
—————————————————————

#General

FEARHER: omfg GUYS I THINKISAWYAFUCKINGCGHOAST

BakerandSlayer: Oh? Where was it?

FEARHER: ithInk it was likeve foqn in the hallways omg iM SCARED GETRIDBOD IT AAA ITWADSCARY

BakerandSlayer: When was this?

FEARHER: leike aminute agao

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: ugh that was me and claude

FEARHER: o

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: since we missed the grand slaying of caspar we went to see the showdown of felix and Edelgard and all they did was talk :////

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: it was SOOOOO boringggggggg

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: the only good thing was that claude got his ban extended another month cause seteth blamed the caspar fight on him lmao

FEARHER: Serves him right for acting all scary.

xXLorenzXx: Agreed.

Hubert: The punishment should’ve been worse.

HorseBoy: I agree with Hubert Von Aegir!

HorseBoy: *Vestra

HorseBoy: I meant Vestra!!!

HorseBoy: Oh my goodness.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao gay  
—————————————————————

(Hubert to xXCLAUDE420Xx)

Hubert: Were my previous warnings not enough?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao what

Hubert: Do not play coy, Von Riegan.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: naw are u mad that i teased ur boyfwend uwu~

Hubert: I am going to curse you, von Riegan, with one of my worst spells.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ooo so he isssss your booooooyfrieeeeenddddd lol how gay i knew my special claude magic would make it work!  
—————————————————————

#General

FEARHER: TheGHPSTAGAIAN!!!! FREAKINGSCREAMINGLOUDSCREAMING WHAT ISVIAPNEING

BernieTheKitty: i heard it too...!!!!! i hope everyone is okay!!!!!

FEARHER: FREAKINGINVESFIGATE

BernieTheKitty: n-no um i kinda have to do a big test right now cause um miss byleth has a quizz tomorrow

HorseBoy: There is?

BernieTheKitty: um yeah she just told me!!!  
—————————————————————

(BernieTheKitty to Byleth1)

BernieTheKitty: um miss byleth pls dont ask why but um can we have a surprise test tomorrow 

Byleth1: Sure, I’ll speak to Hanneman about it. May I ask why?

BernieTheKitty: nnno reason!!!!!! tell mr hanneman to um have a nice day!!!!

Byleth1: Will do. Enjoy the rest of the afternoon, Bernadetta. See you in class tomorrow!

BernieTheKitty: you too miss byleth!!!!  
————————————————————

#General

BernieTheKitty: um yeah you can even ask her!!!

HorseBoy: No need, I shall take your word for it, dearest Bernadetta!

FEARHER: SOMEONEFUCKINFINVESTIGATE

PegasusLover80: Seeing as everyone else is being unhelpful to poor Lysithea, I guess I’ll go look.

FEARHER: THANKYOUSOMUCH INGRID!!!!

FEARHER: ill grab cake for you after okay?!!!?!?!?!

PegasusLover80: I’ll bring tea if you don’t mind

FEARHER: of course!!!!!

ThePrincessQueen: chivalry isnt dead :,)

PegasusLover80: ...

PegasusLover80: I...have no idea what I’m looking at.

FEARHER: ?!?!?!

PegasusLover80: Claude is...doing weird things. Weirder than usual.

FEARHER: oh god is he possessed?!?!?!?!

Hubert: No, I just put a curse on him. It’ll wear off when I feel like it.

HorseBoy: What did you do to him, Hubert?

Hubert: Heh.

HorseBoy: Hubert...

Hubert: I won’t spoil it, but do not worry, Ferdinand. It isn’t something that would harm the Black Eagles.

FEARHER: whatthefuckimacarddBANHUBERTPLSSETETH

PegasusLover80: Oh god, he’s crawling.

HorseBoy: What did you do?!

HorseBoy: Hubert!

ThisIsDimitri: Can someone explain why Claude is meowing and rubbing against Lorenz’ bag?

FEARHER: OH MY GOD

HorseBoy: I

xXLorenzXx: HELP! HES NOT LISTENING TO REASON!

FuckYouAll: always knew the deer was otherkin

ThePrincessQueen: how do you know what that is

xXLorenzXx: HELP

xXLorenzXx: HES RUNNING TOWARDS THE LAKE WITH MY 1,750 DOLLAR BALENCIGA HOURGLASS MEDIUM TOP HANDLE BAG!

FuckYouAll: I hope it fucking catches on fire too

ThePrincessQueen: ^^^^^^

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: ^^^^^^^^

BakerandSlayer: ^^^^^^^

ThePrincessQueen: god, mercie is so iconic

HarryPotterGurl55: ikr!!!!

BakerandSlayer: Thank you guys!

xXLorenzXx: IM GOING TO MAKE YOU ALL PAY FOR IT

FuckYouAll: Good luck, big boy

xXLorenzXx: FUCK YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will lorenz get his 1,750 dollar bag back? find out next time !!
> 
> thanks for all the kudos, comments, and support guys!!!! ^_^ im glad you’re all enjoying this as much as i am!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> claude and lorenz go on a date?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(xXLorenzXx to xXCLAUDE420Xx)

xXLorenzXx: Claude.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: yesssss my pretty boy

xXLorenzXx: 1- Don’t call me that. I am beautiful but when you call me “pretty boy” it sounds like an insult. 2- Get dressed in your finest clothing, we are heading to the mall so you may buy me a new bag, since you threw my previous one in the lake before Felix got it out and lit it on fire before throwing it back in again. Now that Hubert has lifted your curse, we shall go together to buy me a new one.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: so its a date?

xXLorenzXx: No.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: I can’t believe I, Claude Von Riegan, am going on a date with Lorenz Hallmayo Glucose! Oho, yes I shall wear my finest clothing!

xXLorenzXx: I hate you so much, Claude. I hope you are aware.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ily2 bb what time tho

xXLorenzXx: Today at 12. You shall buy me lunch too.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: “not a date”

xXLorenzXx: Just get ready, Von Riegan.  
————————————————————

#General

Hubert: Where is Claude Von Riegan?

HorseBoy: What do you need him for?

Hubert: No particular reason.

ThePrincessQueen: That’s hubertese for “revenge”

HorseBoy: Sounds right.

PrincessEdie: Indeed it is

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao i thought claude was on a date with mayonnaise

ThePrincessQueen: spill the tea NOW

ThePrincessofHunting: Please do not be spilling the tea. That would be a waste.

ThePrincessQueen: petra, sweetie, it means “go on” 

ThePrincessofHunting: Go on where?

ThePrincessQueen: It means keep talking 

ThePrincessofHunting: Oh! Many thanks! Yes, let Hilda spill the tea!

ThePrincessQueen: you’re doing fantastic sweetie<3

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: i stg everyone here is gay as fuck

HorseBoy: Hubert isn’t.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: or is he

Hubert: Do not bring me into your childish conversations.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmaooo you were here first.

Hubert: Anyways.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: so like anyways, yeah, claude told me he was on a date with mayo he didnt tell me anything else tho

ThePrincessQueen: Aw, i always knew those two would end up together!

xXLorenzXx: I AM NOT DATING CLAUDE VON RIEGAN

xXCLAUDE420Xx: did the time we slept together in minecraft mean nothing :(

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: scandalous

Justbanme: Be too scandalous and @Seteth will have your account banned longer. @Seteth @Seteth @Seteth

xXCLAUDE420Xx: LIN 

Justbanme: Oh, my hand slipped.

Seteth: Please keep rumors of romantic relation to a minimum, as it should not concern those outside the appropriate relationship. That being said, all people within Garreg Mach Monastery must follow the rules of dating as stated in the student guidebook. 1- Handholding can only be done when sitting down for SHORT periods of time. 2- Hugging must be BRIEF. 3- No kissing. 4- Garreg Mach Monastery is not responsible for any forms of violence as a result of dating, therefore, you may not sue Garreg Mach Monastery as a result. 5- Sleepovers MUST have at LEAST THREE OR MORE PARTICIPANTS WITH A GUARDIAN AVAILABLE(excluding Manuela). 6- No cheating. 7- You may stare into each other’s eyes for no more than two and half seconds at a time. 8- Sylvain is not allowed to date Flayn. -Seteth

FuckYouAll: He shouldn’t be allowed to date anyone

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: unless...........

FuckYouAll: Fuck you

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: hahaha some rules were meant to be broken right guys ;3

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: seteth just sent me an email saying my minecraft account was banned for a month

ThePrincessQueen: Good!

FuckYouAll: Serves you right.

BakerandSlayer: My, my, the server is going to be so much more peaceful! :)

ThePrincessofHunting: I agree with you, @BakerandSlayer! Peace will be had with @xXTHOTSLAYERXx removed from the server!

ThePrincessQueen: You Don’t always have to @ the person btw petra

ThePrincessofHunting: I don’t?

BakerandSlayer: Not all the time.

ThePrincessofHunting: Many thanks ThePrincessQueen and BakerandSlayer!

BakerandSlayer: <3

ThePrincessQueen: <3

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Guuuuysssss heeeeeeelllllpppppppp

JustAnArtist!: What’s the matter, Claude?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Lorenzzzzzzzz

JustAnArtist: ?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hes lecturing me on 500000000 different types of bags and won’t let me go until he finds the “right” one uGHHHHHhhhhghghgehwosowis

Hubert: Good.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: Huh. I think claude is genuinely suffering 

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i aaaaaammmmm

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hildaaaaaa heeeeeelppppppp

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: k on my way ;3  
—————————————————————

#General

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hilda made it woooorseeeee :(((((

xXLorenzXx: Stop whining, we’re almost done.

HorseBoy: Done doing what?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: Shopping! Oh, but i wanna stop by a few more places!

HorseBoy: May I tag along?

xXLorenzXx: Of course!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: oooo yeah yeah! Lets show ferdinand the tea shop we saw!

HorseBoy: I would be honored!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: I would like your opinion on something, Dorothea!

ThePrincessQueen: ooooo? Something about your future boyfriend I’m guessinggggg?

HorseBoy: Please do not tease me.

ThePrincessQueen: I do it out of love<3

ThePrincessQueen: Seriously though, what do you need?

HorseBoy: What do I get Hubert at StarBucks?

ThePrincessQueen: Starbucks?!

HorseBoy: Is there something wrong with that?

ThePrincessQueen: Um, yes! Hello! Getting him starbucks is like giving you dollarstore teabags

HorseBoy: Oh my, is that true?

ThePrincessQueen: Im more of a tea drinker myself, but occasionally I’ll drink some sweet coffee. Starbucks is not a place you wanna get hubie coffee.

HorseBoy: What do I give him then?

ThePrincessQueen: Okay, so. Let’s start with coffee.  
—————————————————————

#General

PrincessEdie: Can someone see if Hubert is alright? I was hurrying to hand Miss Byleth something and saw Hubert with a tower of gifts, standing as still as a statue.

ThePrincessQueen: Naw, poor Hubert is all flustered.

Justbanme: I think I saw Ferdinand hand those to him. He ran off without saying a word though.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: GAY

xXCLAUDE420Xx: why do i hear boss music

Hubert: I was not flustered. A little surprised, perhaps, but Vestras do not get flustered. Any emotion like thay is saved for Lady Edelgard and Lady Edelgard alone.

PrincessEdie: Oh, hush, you

ThePrincessQueen: So are you two dating yet?

Hubert: No.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao sure

PrincessEdie: Please stop teasing Hubert over matters of the heart. I will @ Seteth if needed.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: NO

PrincessEdie: Please, then, stop for the time being.

ThePrincessQueen: Alright, hun<3

PrincessEdie: <3

ThePrincessQueen: <3<3<3

PrincessEdie: <3<3<3<3

ThePrincessQueen: Love you, Edie!

PrincessEdie: Oh, you!

FEARHER: my cornbread is less sugary and corny than this exchange

Consume Thy: Cornbread! Haha! What good friends they are!

FEARHER: they’re lesbians, raphael

Consume Thy: Oh my bad! I thouht they were from Fodlan!

xXFIGHTMEXx: wait they’re not from fodlan?!

Consume Thy: No, they’re Lesbian!

xXFIGHTMEXx: huh. learn somethin new every day!

Justbanme: This chat is the reason I sleep most of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to keep these chapters daily-ish ^_^
> 
> i have too much free time help


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the plot thickens and so does the gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

#General Minecraft

FEARHER: WHO THE HECK FOUND MY BASE AND LEFT NETHERRACK EVEYWHERE?!

PrincessEdie: Well, I know for certain it wasn’t Claude or Sylvain given their accounts are still banned from all the servers.

FEARHER: Who was it then?!?!?!

PrincessEdie: I don’t know. You aren’t teamed up, right?

FEARHER: yea

PrincessEdie: I have no idea then

FEARHER: it wasn’t you was it?! >:(

PrincessEdie: No comment.

FEARHER: EDELGARD

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: ooooo shiiiit lys maaaaaaaaad

PrincessEdie: I didn’t say it was me!

ThePrincessQueen: I was her alibi! She’s innocent!

FEARHER: STFU

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: DAMN

Hubert: Lady Edelgard would never grief another’s base with her own hands. As her right hand, I am the one who would be executing such.

FEARHER: OH SO IT WAS YOU?!

Hubert: No it was not.

FEARHER: IF NOBODY FESSES UP I WILL LEAK THE COORDINATES OF CLAUDE AND LORENZ’ BASE

xXLorenzXx: You wouldn’t dare.

ThePrincessQueen: They have a base together?!?!

FEARHER: YEAH AND ILL LEAK IT IF NOBODY FESSES UP!

xXLorenzXx: This is unfair! So very cruel and unusual for you to use my base as a hostage!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: *our ;3

xXLorenzXx: Oh im sorry. Yes, it is “our” base if the definition of “our” means making me build everything as you watch and point a bow at me to ensure I keep working.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: love you, big boy!

xXLorenzXx: Claude.

Justbanme: @Seteth

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lin wtf

Justbanme: My hand slipped. Again.

Seteth: Teaming up, raiding bases, and cooperation is allowed within the “Factions” part of the Minecraft server. However, purposely “leaking” the coordinates of bases without consent of all “Factions” members is against server rules. As a result for committing such a horrible threat, Lysithea Von Ordelia’s Minecraft account “ProlificMage” will be temporarily banned for a week. During this time, we at the Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server expect all participants of the Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server to reflect on their actions. At this time, the following Minecraft Accounts are banned from all known Garreg Mach Monastery sponsored Minecraft Servers: CLAUDEVONMINECRAFT420, and MrThottyHottie. Garreg Mach Monastery cannot be held accountable for events that are caused as a result of actions on the server. -Seteth

FEARHER: Wow great job guys >:(

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hey i had nooooo part in this!

FEARHER: somehow i dont believe you >:(

ThePrincessQueen: So sorry Lysithie :( but believe me, Edie and hubie didnt grief your base. Hubie and ferdie werent on today and me and edie were mining, so no ome from our base could’ve griefed yours

PrincessEdie: I apologize for acting in such an unprofessional way, but truly i do not know who did that.

FEARHER: ...

FEARHER: fine, i forgive you

ThePrincessQueen: <3

FEARHER: i dont forgive linhardt tho >:(

Justbanme: im so offended

ThePrincessQueen: lin dont

xXFIGHTMEXx: yo guys me And raphael found this crazy building and destoryed it in factions! it was so cool i almost felt bad ha! we put netherrack EVERYWHERE

FEARHER: ...

ThePrincessQueen: i

FEARHER: ...........

xXFIGHTMEXx: h

—————————————————————

#General

HorseBoy: What was that incredibly sound?! Is everyone alright?!

HorseBoy: Hubert told me he’s going to investigate, I surely hope nothing horrible happened!

FEARHER: be lucky it wasnt you

HorseBoy: Pardon?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ur with hubert huh ;3

HorseBoy: Correct! Bernadetta invited me to watch Sailor Moon with her and Hubert tagged along! I am not entirely sure why though.

ThePrincessQueen: Nawwww <3 i hope you three are having a lovely time!

HorseBoy: We were until we heard a massive crash and yell! Poor Bernadetta looked like she had seen a demon!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: she did tho

HorseBoy: ?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: u have ur vampire demon boyfriend over lmao

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: ^^^^

HorseBoy: Hubert Von Vestra is not a vampire or a demon! And we are not dating!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: sure

ThisIsDimitri: Claude, please don’t tease the poor black eagles.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: WTF DIMITRI CAME ONLINE

ThisIsDimitri: Yes? I am not the most active person on the server, but I do occasionally stop by.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ALL HAIL PRINCE DIMITRI! 

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: all hail prince dimitri!

Dedue: All hail Prince Dimitri.

FuckYouAll: of fucking course dedue says that. Why am i not fucking surprised

ThisIsDimitri: Is this really necessary?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: yes

ThisIsDimitri: Claude

xXCLAUDE420Xx: how else am I supposed to build my gay harem

ThisIsDimitri: Your...what?

HorseBoy: Hubert is back! He has told me Lysithea had stormed into Caspar’s room and repeatedly hit him with dark magic until he passed out before healing him and starting the process over!

BernieTheKitty: canweplsgetbacktosailormoon

HorseBoy: of course!

BernieTheKitty: okgoodpleasedontbemadatmeeesee

HorseBoy: I am not.

BernieTheKitty: o ok

ThePrincessQueen: daaaaamn i didnt think lysithie had it in her

FEARHER: are you doubting my abilities?! >:(

ThePrincessQueen: no, sweetie, im just impressed <3

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i hope the stable boy has a nice date with satan!

ThisIsDimitri: Claude.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: kidding, kidding, loosen up a bit dimi! maybe chill out on the minecraft server, or maybe join my harem, or perhaps even train with me later!

ThisIsDimitri: What do you mean by “join your harem?” ....

Dedue: Do not listen to him Your Highness.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hey i never said you couldnt join dedue

Dedue: No.

xXLorenzXx: Claude

xXCLAUDE420Xx: u jelly bb? :3

xXLorenzXx: How absurd! I, Lorenz Mallman Glouster would NEVER be jealous of you! Especially when it comes to your sadistic games!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: love you too<3

xXLorenzXx: I will ban you from Factions.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao try me my ban is already 60 days what are you gonna do? tell seteth?

—————————————————————

(xXCLAUDE420Xx to xXLorenzXx)

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lorenz i was joking

xXLorenzXx: And I wasn’t.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :(

xXLorenzXx: That won’t work on me, Von Riegan.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: if u tell seteth to unban me ill buy u dinner

xXLorenXx: I’ll consider your offer if you were to take me shopping beforehand.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: uGhhhhhh fiiiineeeeeee

xXLorenzXx: Message sent. Meet me at the usual place at 4 PM. Wear good clothing.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: usfahsisososoridisis

xXLorenzXx: You offered.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: yeaaahhhh i diddddsd

xXCLAUDE420Xx: its just gonna b us rigbt

xXLorenzXx: Correct

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :33333333333

xXLorenzXx: Claude, do not.  
—————————————————————

(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Hey Ferdie<3 How’d it go? Did he enjoy the gifts?

ThePrincessQueen: Ferdinand?  
—————————————————————

(Hubert to ThePrincessQueen)

Hubert: Ferdinand is fine. He is merely asleep.

ThePrincessQuewn: Oh hey Hubie! Good to know!

ThePrincessQueen: wait hol up how do u kno he’s asleep 

ThePrincessQueen: hol up hol up wait howd u kno i messaged him?

Hubert: Because I chaperoned him to make sure he didn’t cause chaos in Bernadetta’s room. He happened to leave his phone facing upwards on the table before falling asleep on the floor, and I did not wish to have you wake him up with a flurry of texts.

ThePrincessQueen: Nawww, that’s so sweet of you!

Hubert: Hardly.

ThePrincessQueen: Did you guys have fun?

Hubert: It was tolerable. Bernadetta’s tastes in entertainment was interesting.

ThePrincessQueen: <3 Me and Edie should come along next time!

Hubert: That is between you two and Bernadetta. I know Lady Edelgard very much enjoys that type of entertainment, so I don’t believe it would take that much to convince her.

ThePrincessQueen: do u like anime hubie??????

Hubert: No comment.

ThePrincessQueen: omg  
—————————————————————

(ThePrincessQueen to PrincessEdie)

ThePrincessQueen: they’re so gay i cant edie i CANT

PrincessEdie: Pardon?

ThePrincessQueen: hubie and ferdie!!! ferdie fell asleep watching anime with bernie bean and he’s watching over him! my lesbian heart i caant :,D

PrincessEdie: <3

ThePrincessQueen: <3 love you princess!

PrincessEdie: I love you too, Dorothea. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a headache and the last part was gayer than planned
> 
> will claude get his minecraft account unbanned? how will lysithea manage her factions base now? is Bernadetta the third wheel? find out next time on dragondiddle zee!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seteth and byleth do big gay and the server goes wild for multiple reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(xXLorenzXx to xXCLAUDE420Xx)

xXLorenzXx: Claude, wake up. We have important matters to attend to on the Minecraft Server.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lol what

xXLorenzXx: How bold of me to assume you check your student email address.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: wait

xXCLAUDE420Xx: WAIT

xXLorenzXx: Are you just going to sit there like a incompetent chair?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: (Below is a poorly taken image of an email. It reads:  
“Your Minecraft account ‘CLAUDEVONMINECRAFT420’ Has been unbanned from The Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Servers. Please do not break the rules found at the official Forms for The Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server and in the student handbook. -Seteth.   
This was an automated message.”)

xXCLAUDE420Xx: LORENZZZZZZZ

xXLorenzXx: I am a man of my word.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: im so happy i could kiss you pretty boy

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Seriously though, thanks. How’d you manage to do it?

xXLorenzXx: I am more cunning than you give me credit for, dearest Von Riegan. I simply insisted that Seteth take a small vacation, paid for by yours truly. I even offered to pay for any and all guests and their expenses. With hesitation, he accepted and unbanned your account as per my request. Marvelous, I know. Go ahead and praise me if you must.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hot

xXLorenzXx: Why did I expect you to say something of actual praise?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i did tho ;3

xXLorenzXx: Just get on the server, Claude.  
—————————————————————

#News and Announcements

Seteth: @everyone

Seteth: In the following seven days, Mr Byleth, Flayn, and myself will not be present at the monastery nor will we be monitoring the Discord Server and Minecraft Servers. The Minecraft Server staff will be operated by the usual staff members with the addition of Hanneman. Miss Byleth has been an occasional moderator and will continue doing so. In addition to being an occasional moderator of the Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server, however, she will also be Admin of the Garreg Mach Monastery Discord Server. Hanneman will be her substitute if needed.  
I know it will be difficult for some of you to cope with the lack of Flayn and her incredible moderating of the Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server, but I assure you Hanneman and Miss Byleth will do their best to assure a fun, holy, safe, and legal experience on the Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server.  
In addition, the following account(s) were unbanned from all Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Servers: CLAUDEVONMINECRAFT420  
And to conclude, I expect all of you to be under your best behavior when while Mr Byleth, Flayn, and myself are gone.  
Please continue to behave appropriately.  
-Seteth

BakerandSlayer: Enjoy your vacation, Seteth!

HarryPotterGurl55: Have fun!

ThePrincessQueen: Take pictures!!!!!

ThePrincessofHunting: Enjoy the feeling of fish!

lovelyMrAshe: We’ll behave!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: aw yeah time to fuck this server uuuuuuppppp ;333333

Justbanme: It appears that my hand is gravitating towards the at symbol 

xXCLAUDE420Xx: LINHARDT 

ThePrincessQueen: LIN

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: do it

xXCLAUDE420Xx: HILDA

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: :3

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i thought we were bros ;(

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: :p

Justbanme: @Seteth

xXCLAUDE420Xx: h

Justbanme: It appears that Seteth isn’t coming online. He must’ve disabled notifications after sending that. How lame

xXCLAUDE420Xx: HALLELUJAH PRAISE SOTHIS

xXCLAUDE420Xx: alright deer! lets fuck some shit upppp!

—————————————————————

(Seteth to Byleth2)

Seteth: Are you ready?

Byleth2: Just about. Is Flayn?

Seteth: Yes. We are in my office waiting for you.

Byleth2: I’ll be there soon.

Seteth: Alright.

Byleth2: Just finished getting ready. I still can’t believe Lorenz agreed to pay for all of us.

Seteth: I will admit, I did not expect it either. It took some convincing on his part to have me except such an offer.

Byleth2: As expected. Though, honestly, it did seem like you needed a break from the students.

Seteth: Did it?

Byleth2: You just seemed a bit more tired than usual.

Seteth: I apologize, I should not have let moderating Claude disturb my sleep.

Byleth2: Luckily Hanneman is covering for you. I’m just glad we can actually go somewhere together with Flayn like a family.

Seteth: Indeed. It is a blessing.

Byleth2: goddess, i love you

Seteth: As I you. Now come, Flayn is waiting eagerly for you.

Byleth2: Coming, my sweet Seteth <3  
—————————————————————

#General

ThePrincessQueen: GUYSSSSSSS

ThePrincessQueen: IT WAS ONLY FOR A SECOND BUT I SAW MR BYLETH AND SETETH HOLD HANDS

xXCLAUDE420Xx: GAY

Hubert: Unsurprising.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: oh hey hubert! did your gaydar finally arrive?

HorseBoy: Do not tease him!

Hubert: It doesn’t bother me.

HorseBoy: Even so, it is rude of Claude to be repeatedly teasing you over matters of the heart! How unnoble of him!

Hubert: Ferdinand.

HorseBoy: Yes?

Hubert: You do not need to defend me.

ThePrincessQueen: I wonder why he’s doing that, Hubert.

Hubert: Because he’s a fool.

ThePrincessQueen: A fool who...?

PrincessEdie: I sincerely hope Seteth enjoys his time with Mr Byleth. 

ThePrincessQueen: Oh! Yes! I hope they do, too. I didn’t expect Seteth and Mr Byleth to be together, but I honestly I think it works!

Consume Thy: I could see those two being friends!

FEARHER: raphael 

Consume Thy: Hey Lysithea!

FEARHER: they’re gay

Consume Thy: I would hope they’re happy!

FEARHER: gay in a marriage way

Consume Thy: That’s a great way of describing happiness! Haha!

FEARHER: raphael they’re dating each other

Consume Thy: Oh! Congratulations to them!

xXFIGHTMEXx: wait hold up hold up

PrincessEdie: Yes, Caspar?

xXFIGHTMEXx: if Seteth and Byleth marry each other then who gets to keep their last name??

ThePrincessQueen: oh my god caspar

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: I

Justbanme: Caspar

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i want that framed above the fireplace of the imperial palace

xXFIGHTMEXx: what’d i do?!

Hubert: Seteth doesn’t have a last name, you incompetent swine.

xXFIGHTMEXx: I thought Seteth was his last name

Hubert: You thought the name of the man who holds incredible political power and power of the monastery’s name was Seteth Seteth.

xXFIGHTMEXx: uh yeah. like Mario Mario and Wario Wario

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: guys im sobbing

Hubert: Which means you thought Flayn’s last name was Flayn.

xXFIGHTMEXx: well yeah why wouldnt it be?

Hubert: Seteth Seteth and Flayn Flayn.

ThePrincessQueen: my sides oh my god

xXFIGHTMEXx: stop laughing! i didnt think it was possible not to have a last name :/

xXCLAUDE420Xx: to be fair, Mr Byleth and Miss Byleth’s names are actually Mr Byleth and Miss Byleth on their birth certificates

ThePrincessQueen: WHAT

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: HOLD UP

Hubert: I thought that was common knowledge.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i miiiiiiightve done some sneaking around and found an entry from Jeralt’s diary saying something along the lines of “We Agreed upon the name Byleth. I...did not expect twins. Goddess, I am not good at names. Fuck it. Mr Byleth and Miss Byleth are their names.”

ThePrincessQueen: oh my god what a legend

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao same thoooo

omgJERALT: You looked through jeralt’s diary?!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :3

omgJERALT: Wait until Seteth and Jeralt hear about this! >:( @Seteth

Hubert: Seteth is not active on the server, and won’t be for the next several days. How bold of me to assume you could think about things that weren’t Jeralt, Leonie.  
—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: Oh, how Hubert makes my heart soar through a sea of emotions. He is so charming my heart cannot handle it. Oh, Dorothea.

ThePrincessQueen: Oh my god just kiss him already. Don’t make me do it for you.

HorseBoy: But how do I know if he even enjoys the affections of men?

ThePrincessQueen: Well, as your lesbian fairy godmother I hereby use my magical wand to diagnose Hubert Von Vestra with gay!

HorseBoy: Please take this seriously.

ThePrincessQueen: <3

ThePrincessQueen: On a more serious note, it’s obvious that he likes you. He watched over you when you fell asleep at Bernie Bean’s watching anime and texted me saying so so I wouldn’t wake you up

HorseBoy: I thought I wandered off back to my room at some point and forgotten, as I woke in my bed?

ThePrincessQueen: oh my god Ferdinand he carried you to your room

HorseBoy: Oh

HorseBoy: Oh.

ThePrincessQueen: Do I need to set you two up on a date myself?

HorseBoy: That is not necessary!

ThePrincessQueen: You sure?

HorseBoy: I believe so.

ThePrincessQueen: Oh! I have an idea!

HorseBoy: You frighten me.

ThePrincessQueen: You two like anime right? How about this: there’s a theater near the mall that sometimes shows Studio Ghibli movies. I buy tickets for the gang and just so happen to have you two seated next to each other, far away from everyone else.

HorseBoy: That is...!

ThePrincessQueen: Amazing? I know. Already ordering the tickets. Spirited Away or Howl’s Moving Castle. Actually no, let’s see both. Spirited away on Friday and Howl’s Moving castle on Saturday. Bernie Bean, Petra, Edie, Hubie, and you and me. Bernie bean and Petra get the middle row, me and Edie get front row, and you and Hubie get the back.

HorseBoy: What? Wait! What? Wait, why are me and Hubert in the back?

ThePrincessQueen: Because you two are tall and as much as I would love to see you two cuddle through the whole thing, I would like to actually be able to see the movies. The Friday showing is at 6 PM and Saturday is 7 PM, you’re buying your own snacks.

HorseBoy: But I didn’t agree yet!

ThePrincessQueen: Well, do you agree?

HorseBoy: I suppose I do.

ThePrincessQueen: Well then! See you tomorrow!

HorseBoy: Oh Dorothea.  
—————————————————————

(ThePrincessQueen to PrincessEdie)

ThePrincessQueen: Hey sunshine emperor! I got us tickets to Spirited Away tomorrow! Hubie, Ferdie, Bernie Bean, and Petra are invited as well.

PrincessEdie: I’m guessing this is your attempt at getting them all to date each other, correct?

ThePrincessQueen: You know me so well, my princess<3

PrincessEdie: <3

ThePrincessQueen: Oh, btw, I got tickets for Howl’s Moving Castle just for Ferdie and Hubie. I told Ferdie we’re all coming but that would defeat the purpose of setting them up.

PrincessEdie: You’re as cunning as you are breathtaking.

ThePrincessQueen: Awww! Love you edie!!

ThePrincessQueen: <3 I love you too, my dear Thea.  
—————————————————————

(BernieTheKitty to Mari)

BernieTheKitty: woahquqiwisieisjdjshsgsg Dorothea bought tickets for me and petra to see spirited away aaaaaaaaaaa

Mari: that was nice of her..........

BernieTheKitty: we’re gonna sit next to each other!!!! in a thheature!!!!!

Mari: oh.........

Mari: it should be alright, people donttt talk much in them and theyre dark so...

BernieTheKitty: oh yeah thats right

Mari: yeahhhhh

BernieTheKitty: that you mari!!!!! its a shame Dorothea didn’t invite you and hilda!!!!!

Mari: werrere gonna be gardennning tomorrow 

BernieTheKitty: fun!!!

Mari: hilda said she wanted to watch me.......

BernieTheKitty: show her my babies ok? if you want too

BernieTheKitty: make sure she doesn’t harm bernard ok?! hes a sensitive boy

Mari: will do..........hes the venus flytrap witth the blue and green pot rightt?

BernieTheKitty: yepp!!!!

Mari: ok.......enjoy your day bernadetta

BernieTheKitty: you too mari!!!!!  
—————————————————————

(xXCLAUDE420Xx to xXLorenzXx)

xXCLAUDE420Xx: did you just

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ask to be my boyfriend in minecraft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was chapter 6! Lotta gay happenin’ will update some of the tags uwu
> 
> i bet u didnt expect that ending huh! i am a master of plot twists *flips hair*
> 
> -
> 
> I am soooooooooo grateful for all y’alls support on this ;w;
> 
> This was just supposed to be a shitpost with no real thought or effort or plot and i didnt think so many people would actually read it, let alone enjoy it to such an incredible degree and then ask me to continue! I’m so happy! I enjoy writing this so so much to the point where I’d randomly have an urg to update it several times in a day lol. Writing this and reading your comments makes me the happy gay uwu! I look forward to continuing to shitpost and deliver gay
> 
> stay chill lit fam <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get real gay again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Ready ferdie? <3

HorseBoy: For?

ThePrincessQueen: the group date! dont tell me you forgott!

HorseBoy: But the movie isn't until 6PM! Are you aware of the time, Dorothea?

ThePrincessQueen: well we gotta check out the mall and stuff first!

HorseBoy: It is 10:00!

ThePrincessQueen: u comin or

HorseBoy: Yes, yes, I am getting ready. Are the others coming this early?

ThePrincessQueen: lol were waiting for u

HorseBoy: Dorothea!

ThePrincessQueen: <3  
—————————————————————

(xXCLAUDE420Xx to xXLorenzXx)

xXCLAUDE420Xx: bb

xXCLAUDE420Xx: my love

xXCLAUDE420Xx: my dearest

xXCLAUDE420Xx: my minecraft sweetheart

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lorenz

xXCLAUDE420Xx: pretty boy lorenz

xXCLAUDE420Xx: pretty boy pretty boy pretty boy pretty boy

xXLorenzXx: What?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: good morning

xXLorenzXx: Morning, my Claude.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i lov u so mucc i will scream  
—————————————————————

#General

HarryPotterGurl55: You guys okay?

xXLorenzXx: Yes.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: no

HarryPotterGurl55: What happened?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :3

HarryPotterGurl55: um

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :3

xXLorenzXx: He is fine.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :3

PegasusLover80: Hes just being a dumbass as usual.

HarryPotterGurl55: um ok

lovelyMrAshe: The hallways seem so much more quieter, does anyone know why?

Byleth1: The Black Eagles have the day off. They're not at the monastery.

HarryPotterGurl55: Oh hello Miss Byleth!

lovelyMrAshe: Oh okay. I hope they have a good day.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: quick spam the chat before the fun ruiners come back

xXCLAUDE420Xx: owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowoowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowo

PegasusLover80: How about no.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: owo whats this? *notices your crest* ooo how ssshinyyy *crawls on all fours* c-can i hab sum of ur blooodddd x3333333 0w0 *wags tail* plssss???? will gib u sum coookiessssss uwu *mews* i will giv ur blud bacc

FuckYouAll: fuck off Claude you furry trashbag

xXCLAUDE420Xx: thats what a furry would say uwu

FuckYouAll: Fuck off

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: :3

FuckYouAll: Dont even start, Sylvain.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha then what babe

FuckYouAll: Then i'll report you to Seteth and Mr and Miss Byleth.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: :(

PegasusLover80: Seteth and Mr Byleth aren't even online, dumbass.

FuckYouAll: They'll still check their emails.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: they will?

FuckYouAll: wtf did you do

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ;3

FuckYouAll: sylvain i swear to god if you dont fucking tell me im going to punch another hole in your shirt

JustAnArtist: Is...that even possible?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: yes

FEARHER: how tf would do know

PegasusLover80: Well a certain someone barged into the art classroom when our class was doing stuff with tie dye and scared Dimitri causing him to punch through his project.

HarryPotterGurl55: I felt so bad! Ink went everywhere!!! Me and Mercie had to clean it up.

FEARHER: i

FEARHER: goddess what the fuck

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: did he finish it tho

PegasusLover80: What do you think.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: yes

PegasusLover80: ...

FEARHER: wait

FEARHER: felix is implying hes done the same at least once wtf

FuckYouAll: I've done it several times

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha yeah you have :)

JustAnArtist: Alright then...

BakerandSlayer: Don't be scared Ignatz, we might be strong but we wouldn't do the same to you!

JustAnArtist: .

FuckYouAll: Are you going to tell me what you did or not, Sylvain? I don't have all day.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: i do ;3

FuckYouAll: You haven one minute.

xXTHOTSLAYERxx: come on babe

FuckYouAll: ten seconds

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: but babe it hasnt been a minute :(

FuckYouAll: Fuck you  
—————————————————————

(xXTHOTSLAYERXx to FuckYouAll)

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: okay okay dont be mad at me okay

FuckYouAll: What. Did. You. Do.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: you'll still be a friend right?

FuckYouAll: SYLVAIN

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: seriously, you will, right?

FuckYouAll: fine

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: *hugs you and ruffles your hair*

FuckYouAll: Never type anything involving * ever again.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: i thought u were a furry so i thought u would like it

FuckYouAll: Fuck you im not

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ;3

FuckYouAll: Im blocking you

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: feeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllixxxxxxxxxxx

FuckYouAll: Sylvain just fucking tell me what you did

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: fine fine

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: so i sent mr byleth an email since hes on vacation and i didnt think he would check it

FuckYouAll: And the email is?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: (Below is an email addressed to Seteth that reads: "Ayy bylethhh heard u like guys with wyverns ;) come ditch seteth and i can show u what a real man on a wyvern looks like ;)) we can have fun and go out to dinner whenever or lunch or breakfast all the above haha rumor has it you're with seteth but rumors often aren't true ;))))))))) right? ;) -your future flier sylvain")

FuckYouAll: You sent that to Seteth you fucking moron

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lol that wouldve been a disaster if i did hahahaha so how do u think byleth will respond be honest i think ive charmed him a bit

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Not my finest work but Byleth is a man of few words so i thoughtfully put as few words as possible to charm the lovely professor ;)

FuckYouAll: (Below is an image of the email Sylvain sent, only with "To: Seteth" circled with red and with a dozen arrows pointing to it)

FuckYouAll: Look forward to attending your funereal.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx DHSUYFHYDFGHSIUDFJSDOIJGFSI0DJGSDUJFSIJDGNSHGFSDYHFGS

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: HDFNSUDHFYSHFNFHDFNDHFNSUHDFBSYDHFSJMCSIJFUESHFYRHFGJXDGYUJDJYSJ74KYDFHJGSJYDKGNRKHYEJHYTJ

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ................................................

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: (Below is an email from Seteth, it reads: "I knew it was a matter of time before the students found out. Very well, I was hoping to have as little people know as possible, but I am afraid that I can no longer do that.  
Mr Byleth has been my Fiance for two months now, and we do not plan on having you interfere with our engagement. Mr Byleth does enjoy wyverns very much, and would be happy to teach you about them in great detail. However, given your inappropriate exchange, I will be sure to be the one teaching you about wyvern riding to ensure that you do not disturb Mr Byleth. In addition, a new rule was added to the student guidebook. Miss Byleth should be handing out the new guidebooks on Monday morning. The new rule is an extension of the 'Garreg Mach Monastery Dating Rules' section. It reads the following:  
'9- In addition to Flayn, Sylvain is not allowed to flirt with Mr Byleth Eisner. Nor is he allowed to go on any form of dates with Mr Byleth Eisner. He shall also not flirt with Mr Byleth Eisner's twin sister, Miss Byleth Eisner.'  
Please stay away from my sister and my future husband.

-Seteth")

FuckYouAll: You fucking moron

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: should i post to general tho

FuckYouAll: Do you want me to punch another hole in your shirt?  
—————————————————————

#General

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: (Below is an email from Seteth, it reads: "I knew it was a matter of time before the students found out. Very well, I was hoping to have as little people know as possible, but I am afraid that I can no longer do that.  
Mr Byleth has been my Fiance for two months now, and we do not plan on having you interfere with our engagement. Mr Byleth does enjoy wyverns very much, and would be happy to teach you about them in great detail. However, given your inappropriate exchange, I will be sure to be the one teaching you about wyvern riding to ensure that you do not disturb Mr Byleth. In addition, a new rule was added to the student guidebook. Miss Byleth should be handing out the new guidebooks on Monday morning. The new rule is an extension of the 'Garreg Mach Monastery Dating Rules' section. It reads the following:  
'9- In addition to Flayn, Sylvain is not allowed to flirt with Mr Byleth Eisner. Nor is he allowed to go on any form of dates with Mr Byleth Eisner. He shall also not flirt with Mr Byleth Eisner's twin sister, Miss Byleth Eisner.'  
Please stay away from my sister and my future husband.

-Seteth")

BakerandSlayer: Congratulations to Seteth and Mr Byleth! This is happy news, but don't post emails in general again.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao of course sylvain gets another rule written about him

Consume Thy: Will Mr Byleth be Flayn's uncle then?

FEARHER: raphael we spoke about this

xXCLAUDE420Xx: nah he becomes Byleth Byleth

Consume Thy: Haha! What a wacky family they'll be. Congratulations to them!  
—————————————————————

(FEARHER to Consume Thy)

FEARHER: when someone's brother gets married, they become the person's sibling in law

FEARHER: when byleth and seteth marry, seteth takes byleth's last name since he doesnt have one, so he'll be Seteth Eisner and Flayn still wont have a last name. a little confusing, but thats how it works

Consume Thy: Haha! Flayn gets another brother!

FEARHER: that is correct!

—————————————————————

#General

HarryPotterGurl55: wasnt posting emails against the rules?

PegasusLover80: You think Sylvain cares?

xXTHOTSLYERXx: rules were meant to be broken ;3

xXTHOTSLYERXx: felix just threw me a torn shirt through my window

PegasusLover80: Serves you right

—————————————————————

(BernieTheKitty to ThePrincessQueen)

BernieTheKitty: thhank you for taking us to the movie!!!!!!

ThePrincessQueen: No problem, Bernie Bean! How was it?

BernieTheKitty: It was really good!!!!! ive already seen it so um yeah but petra really liked it too!!!! she talked about it a lot afterwards!!!!

ThePrincessQueen: im glad!

ThePrincessQueen: okay but spill the tea, when we split off in pairs before the show started, where'd you two go?

BernieTheKitty: uh we um went to the bookshop...

ThePrincessQueen: oooo! was it fun?

BernieTheKitty: yeah! petra got some manga!!!

ThePrincessQueen: which ones????? spill!

BernieTheKitty: Hunter x Hunter and my hero academia!!!

ThePrincessQueen: good choices! personally, i am a jojo fan myself! edie also loves jojo

BernieTheKitty: oh um cool!!!!  
—————————————————————

(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Alright, ferdie. Spill. The. Tea.

HorseBoy: Why must you tease me so?

ThePrincessQueen: Because im your friend and i NEED to know

ThePrincessQueen: Come on, tell your fairy godmother if her spells worked!

HorseBoy: Well, as you know, I showed up uncharacteristically in my best clothing. When I arrived I was subjected to a rather dashing looking Hubert teasing me about such. You should've seen how his eyes sparkled in the light, my friend! He was the definition of dashing in that moment! And when we got away, from the group, it took everything in my heart not to reach out and hold his hand! Oh Dorothea you cannot imagine how difficult it was! We chatted idly as we walked, oh my heart soars at the memory! When the show started, he seemed so bored at first, but within seconds, he seemed captivated by every frame of animation! Oh, his eyes beautiful chartreuse eyes sparkled with silent delight! He claimed not to care so much afterwards, but the look he had suggested otherwise! Oh, Dorothea it was amazing!

ThePrincessQueen: did

ThePrincessQueen: did you even watch the movie or did you just stare at him the whole time

HorseBoy: Movie? Oh right! The movie was magical!

ThePrincessQueen: oh my god did you kiss him?!?!?!

HorseBoy: Heavens no!

ThePrincessQueen: ffs did you even hold his hand? lean against his shoulder?

HorseBoy: No?

ThePrincessQueen: ferdinand.

Horseboy: Oh! Hubert's here. See you tomorrow!

ThePrincessQueen: YOU INVITED HIM OVER?!?!?!

ThePrincessQueen: FERDINAND I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT KISS HIM-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per request, this chapter was full of Sylvix shenanigans!
> 
> I was thinking of actually writing out the group date, idk if i shouldd tho owowowowowo
> 
> Feel free to write your suggestions n stuff!
> 
> also there might(probably) be some spoilers for flayn n seteth stuff soon so yeet ill be sure to warn yall when x3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit gets weird and mercedes puts alcohol in everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(xXCLAUDE420Xx to Hubert)

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Hey, Vsauce. Michael here. Where are your fingers? Seriously. It's a pretty easy question. You should be able to answer it. But how do you know? How does anyone know anything?

You might say, well, I know where my fingers are. I'm looking right at them. Or, I can touch them, I can feel them, they're right here and that's good. Your senses are a great way to learn things. In fact, we have way more than the usual five senses we talk about. For instance, your kinesthetic sense, proprioception. This is what the police evaluate during a field sobriety test. It allows you to tell where your fingers and arms and head and legs in your body is all in relation to each other without having to look or touch other things. We have way more than five senses, we have at least twice as many and then some. But they're not perfect.

There are optical illusions, audio illusions, temperature sensation illusions, even tactile illusions. Can you turn your tongue upside down? If so, perfect. Try this. Run your finger along the outer edge of the tip of your upside-down tongue. Your tongue will be able to feel your finger but in the wrong place. Our brains never needed to develop an understanding of upside-down tongue touch. So, when you touch the right side of your tongue when it's flipped over to your left side you perceive a sensation on the opposite side, where your tongue usually is but isn't when it's upside down. It's pretty freaky and cool and a little humbling, because it shows the limits of the accuracy of our senses, the only tools we have to get what's out there in here.

The philosophy of knowledge, the study of knowing, is called epistemology. Plato famously said that the things we know are things that are true, that we believe and that we have justification for believing. those justifications might be irrational or they might be rational, they might be based on proof, but don't get too confident because proven is not a synonym for true. Luckily, there are things that we can know without needing proof, without needing to even leave the house, things that we can know as true by reason alone. These are things that we know a priori. An example would be the statement "all bachelors are unmarried." I don't have to go survey every bachelor on earth to know that that is true. All bachelors are unmarried because that's how we define the word bachelor. Of course, you have to know what the words bachelor and unmarried mean in the first place. Oh, you do? Okay. Perfect. That's great. But how do you know?

This time I mean functionally, how do you know? Where is knowledge biologically in the brain? What are memories made out of? We are a long way from being able to answer that question completely but research has shown that memories don't exist in the brain in single locations. Instead, what we call a memory is likely made up of many different complex relationships all over the brain between lots of brain cells, neurons. A major cellular mechanism thought to underlie the formation of memories is long-term potentiation or LTP. When one neuron stimulates another neuron repeatedly that signal can be enhanced overtime LTP, wiring them more strongly together and that connection can last a long time, even an entire lifetime. A collection of different brain cells, neurons that fire together in a particular order over and over again frequently and repeatedly can achieve long-term potentiation, becoming more sensitive to each other and more ready to fire in the exact same way later on in the future. They're a physical thing in your brain, firing together more easily because you strengthen that pattern of firing. You memorized. This branching forest of firing friends looks messy, but look closer. It could be the memory of your first kiss. A living souvenir of the event. If I were to go into your brain and cut out those cells, could I make you forget your first kiss or could I make you forget where your fingers are? Only if I cut out a lot of your brain. Because memories aren't just stored in one relationship, they're stored all over the brain. The events leading up to your first kiss are stored in one network, the way it felt to the way it smelled in different networks, all added up together making what you call the memory of your first kiss.

How many memories can you fit inside your head? What is the storage capacity of the human brain? The best we can do is a rough estimate, but given the number of neurons in the brain involved with memory and the number of different connections a single neuron can make Paul Reber at Northwestern University estimated that we can store the digital equivalent of about 2.5 petabytes of information. That's the equivalent of recording a TV channel continuously for 300 years. That's a lot of information. That is a lot of information about skills you can do and facts and people you've met, things in the real world. The world is real, right? How do you know?

It's a difficult question, but it's not rocket science. Instead, it is asking whether or not rocket scientists even exist in the first place. The theory that the Sun moved around the earth worked great. It predicted that the Sun would rise every morning and it did. It wasn't until later that we realized what we thought was true might not be. So, do we or will we ever know true reality or are we stuck in a world where the best we can do is be approximately true? Discovering more and more useful theories every day but never actually reaching true objective actual reality. Can science or reason ever prove convincingly that your friends and YouTube videos and your fingers actually exist beyond your mind? That you don't just live in the matrix?

No. Your mind is all that you have, even if you use instruments, like a telescope or particle accelerators. The final stop for all of that information is ultimately you. You are alone in your own brain, which technically makes it impossible to prove that anything else exists. It's called the egocentric predicament. Everything you know about the world out there depends on and is created inside your brain. This mattered so much to Charles Sanders Peirce that he drew a line between reality, the way the universe truly is, and what he called the phaneron, the world as filtered through our senses and bodies, the only information we can get. If you want to speak with certainty you live in, that is you react to and remember and experience your phaneron, not reality. The belief that only you exist and everything else, food, the universe, your friends are all figments of your mind is called solipsism. There is no way to convince a solipsist that the outside world is real. And there is no way to convince someone who doubts that the universe wasn't created just three seconds ago along with all of our memories. It's a frightening realization that we don't always know how to deal with. There's even The Matrix defense.

In 2002 Tonda Lynn Ansley shot and killed her landlady. She argued that she believed she was in the matrix, that her crimes weren't real. By using the matrix defense, she was found not guilty by reason of insanity, because the opposite view is just way healthier and common. It's called realism. Realism is the belief that the outside world exists independently of your own phaneron. Rocks and stars and Thora Birch would continue to exist even if you weren't around to experience them. But you cannot know realism is true. All you can do is believe.

Martin Gardner, a great source for math magic tricks, explained that he is not a solipsist because realism is just way more convenient and healthy and it works. As to whether it bothered him that he could never know realism was true, he wrote, "If you ask me to tell you anything about the nature of what lies beyond the phaneron, my answer is how should I know? I'm not dismayed by ultimate mysteries, I can no more grasp what is behind such questions as my cat can understand what is behind the clatter I make while I type this paragraph." Humble stuff. What strikes me is the cat.

Cats do not understand keyboards, but they know the keyboards are a fun place to be. It's a great way to get the attention of a human, they're warm and exciting, surrounded by noises and flashing lights plus cats love to get their scent on whatever they can, a mark of their existence. We aren't that much different, except instead of keyboards we have the mysteries of the universe. We will never be able to understand all of them.

We won't be able to ever answer every single question, but walking around in those questions, exploring them, is fun. It feels good. And as always, thanks for watching. Do you want more unanswered questions? Well, you're in luck. Today, nine other amazing channels on YouTube have made videos about questions we still haven't fully answered. Alltime10s has organized them and to watch them all click the annotation at the end of this video or the link at the top of the description. Enjoy.  
—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to xXCLAUDE420Xx)

HorseBoy: Please, for the love of the world, stop sending Hubert entire Vsauce scripts.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: [Vsauce – Michael Stevens – What Color Is A Mirror?]

[Vsauce – Michael Stevens] Source: LYBIO.net  
Hey, Vsauce – Michael, here and today we are going to talk about color. (Green, Green Green) GOLD on, let me just PINK this up. YELLOW? Michael ORANGE you going to come to the concert this evening? I RED about that. They're gonna be a lot of PURPLE there. I didn’t TEAL you about this earlier. Look I have to go BROWN town first, but I’ll be WHITE BLACK. Colors.

Did you know that the human eye can differentiate 10,000,000 million different colors?

[Vsauce – Michael Stevens]  
But what color is a mirror?

[Vsauce – Michael Stevens]  
You might say Silver because mirrors are often illustrated that way and to be sure they are made out of Silver or silvery things like aluminum. But a mirror, in reality, is whatever color you point it at.

In this green room the mirror is green.

And if you look inside a mirror it becomes “You-Colored”. And the object is whatever color it doesn’t absorb. These sticky notes are Orange because when hit with typical white light, they absorb every other wavelength of visible light except for Orange. Which they defuse into your eyeballs. But a perfect mirror reflects all (Specular and Diffuse Reflection) colors equally, so in a way, you can say that a mirror is White. Except a mirror doesn’t reflect colors in the same way a pigment does. A mirror reflects incoming light in a single outgoing direction – specular reflection. Not diffuse. This kind of reflection creates an image of the very thing in front of the mirror. So as bad astronomy jokes: “a mirror is more or a smart kind of white.”

HorseBoy: I do not wish to receive them either!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lmao sorry for interrupting your gay cuddles uwu

HorseBoy: I am not "cuddling" anyone or anything!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: uwu but u didnt say no to the gay tho

HorseBoy: Ugh. I am not going to respond to you any longer.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: uwu  
—————————————————————  
(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: did u kiss him yet

HorseBoy: No, I did not.

ThePrincessQueen: Well, you can do it again today at the movie ;3

HorseBoy: I do believe that would be a bold, unnoble move!

ThePrincessQueen: are you a coward or ferdinand von aegir?

HorseBoy: Dorothea, please do not.

ThePrincessQueen: <3

ThePrincessQueen: Good luck tonight;33  
—————————————————————

#General

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Hey guys! How's class going? :D

Justbaneme: its 6 am on saturday

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Oh it is? My apologies. >~<

xXCLAUDE420Xx: god the furry enegry is strong today

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Furry? 0w0

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: oh no

FEARHER: claude dont

xXCLAUDE420Xx: its what ur brother is

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Oh, Seteth is "furry energy"? I can see that! Hehehe! >~<

xXCLAUDE420Xx: yesssssss

xXCLAUDE420Xx: felix is also furry energy

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Oh, yes he is!

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lmao yeah

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: miss byleth sent me an email saying that i violated the anti flayn rules );

FuckYouAll: good, you scentless pineapple

PegasusLover80: Thats a new one

BakerandSlayer: Hey guys! Annette, Dedue, Dimitri, and I are going to record a video for my baking channel! Anyone is free to come by and watch!

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: anyone? ;)

BakerandSlayer: Not you :)

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: );

ThePrincessofHunting: This fact is giving me much happiness!

lovelyMrAshe: I can't wait!

—————————————————————

#General

HarryPotterGurl55: We need help in the dining hall!

FEARHER: why what happened

HarryPotterGurl55: Dimitri couldn't stop breaking equipment and dedue knocked the camera tripod over and broke it. Dimitri tried to fix it but it crumbled to bits! Mercie left to find Seteth to speak to him about a camera replacement but when she realized he wasn't here, she realized she left the oven on and the brownies started catching on fire!

HarryPotterGurl55: Linhardt tried putting it out with wind but it only made things worse! The whole dining hall was on fire for a moment before Bernadetta saved the day with Blizzard! We need some help cleaning up!

FEARHER: i

xXCLAUDE420Xx: damit i missed the party uwu

HarryPotterGurl: Please!

JustAnArtist: Coming!

HarryPotterGurl55: Thank you, Iggy!

FEARHER: was anything okay?!

HarryPotterGurl55: The only thing that didn't catch on fire was the vodka gummies.

FEARHER: how? why did mercedes make vodka gummies?

HarryPotterGurl55: Oh, Mercie always does that with Manuela!

FEARHER: Oh, right. I always she's drinking age

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: I'm sorry about the camera! I will speak to my brother about getting Mercie a new one! :)

HarryPotterGurl55: Thank you Flayn! You didn't have to!

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: No problem, Annie!

ThisIsDimitri: I am terribly sorry about the equipment and camera.

Dedue: It was not your fault, Your Highness.

FuckYouAll: fuck you

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha

FuckYouAll: son of a bitch

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ;)

lovelyMrAshe: wouldn't flayn be able to report rule breaking to Seteth?

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Oh, do not worry! I am not as mean as him!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ALL HAIL FLAYN

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: >~<

ThePrincessofHunting: Flayn!!!!!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: All hail flayn

HarryPotterGurl55: All hail flayn!

BakerandSlayer: All hail Flayn :)

HarryPotterGurl: Mercie!!!!!!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ALL HAIL MERCEDES

HarryPotterGurl55: All hail mercie!!!!!

ThePrincessofHunting: Mercedes!

BakerandSlayer: :)

FuckYouAll: you guys are fucking weirdos

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ;)))))))))))))))))

FuckYouAll: Fuck off, asswipe

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: );

FuckYouAll: -.-t

—————————————————————

(xXTHOTSLAYERXx to FuckYouAll)

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Hey babe ;) i'll love u FURever haha u free tonight?

FuckYouAll: Fuck off

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: hahaha, lol!

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: fur real tho, ;) i'll take u 2 my kennel

FuckYouAll: How many times do I have to tell you?

FuckYouAll: I am not a fucking furry.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: thats not what ingrid said ;)

FuckYouAll: SYLVAIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter cause me me sicc boy
> 
> hit me up on discord 4 memes


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the truth come out: ferdinand von aegir is a useless lesbian and felix must face the ugly truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Well?????? SPILL THE TEA NOW!

HorseBoy: Well, the movie was fantastic! Though, it was unfortunate that you and the others were not able to arrive! However, that being said, Hubert and I had a fantastic time!

ThePrincessQueen: And???? Ferdie, did you SERIOUSLY not kiss him?!

HorseBoy: I did not. However...

ThePrincessQueen: SPILL OR ELSE

HorseBoy: Near the ending of the animated film, Hubert appeared to have leaned his head on my shoulder and touch my hand. Oh, how soft and yet rough his hands were! I have never felt such a divine thing before in my life! However, knowing our dear Hubert von Vestra, I assumed this was a challenge of dominance and accepted! I grabbed his hand in return and did not let go until the credits! Oh, the memory gets me dizzy! Did you know Hubert is much warmer than he looks?! I expected the feeling of a cold statue against my skin, but instead I felt the hand of a fallen angel! Oh, Dorothea, how I love him so. What a tremendous shame that my dearest fallen angel does not return my feelings! Oh, how my heart hurts! It feels as though I am being dragged down by the hands of a devil!

ThePrincessQueen: i

ThePrincessQueen: breathes in

ThePrincessQueen: FERDINAND VON AEGIR YOU USELESS LESBIAN

HorseBoy: Pardon?

ThePrincessQueen: HE LOVES YOU YOU NAIVE FUCK

HorseBoy: Excuse me?

ThePrincessQueen: AAAAAAAA

ThePrincessQueen: HE LITERALLY LEANED AGAINST YOU DURING AN ANIME ROMANCE FILM AND HELD YOUR HAND AND YOU THOUGHT HE WAS CHALLENGING YOU

ThePrincessQueen: ME AND EDIE WEREN'T THIS BAD OMFG FERDINAND I STG

HorseBoy: Oh...

ThePrincessQueen: confess to him RIGHT NOW young man!

HorseBoy: What?! Why would I do that?! Are you even sure he likes me? How can you be sure it wasn't him teasing?

ThePrincessQueen: im

ThePrincessQueen: im gonna lose it ferdinand

HorseBoy: I do not understand! Hubert would never fall in love with someone who wasn't Edelgard!

ThePrincessQueen: FERDIE GET THE FUCK IN MY ROOM WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CHAT

HorseBoy: On my way?

—————————————————————

(BernieTheKitty to FuckYouAll)

BernieTheKitty: hey um felix um your commissions are done

BernieTheKitty: i, um put the ears and tail in an unmarked box as you instructed!!!! the artwork is there too!!!!

BernieTheKitty: (below is an image of an anthropomorphic anime wolf drawing in a box alongside a set of matching paws, ears, and tail. It all looks very edgy despite the cute style.)

FuckYouAll: Thank you. Do NOT tell anyone, got it?

BernieTheKitty: u-um no problem!!!!!! and don't worry!!!! i won't!!!!! ever!!!!!!!

FuckYouAll: Good. 

—————————————————————

(BernieTheKitty to Mari)

BernieTheKitty: hello Mari!!! how's the art trade going? I'm almost done with yours!!!!

Mari: its....going ok i think..........

BernieTheKitty: okay!!!

Mari: hilda said she wanted to know what i draw......

BernieTheKitty: :o

Mari: i showed her...and she liked the drawings.......she wanted to show them around but i didnt let her.............

BernieTheKitty: I'm glad she liked them!

Mari: me too

Mari: she asked me to make her a fursona.....should i do it............

BernieTheKitty: You should!!!! You should have both of your fursonas be lovers too! I think that'll be super cute!

Mari: you think so...?

BernieTheKitty: Mmhm! If I had a girlfriend, i'd love to do something like that!!!! >~<

BernieTheKitty: You two are so cute!!!!

Mari: thank you bernie.........

BernieTheKitty: ^_^ I hope you two have fun designing the fursona!

Mari: we will i hope!

—————————————————————

#General

xXCLAUDE420Xx: guysssss

xXCLAUDE420Xx: do i HAVE to go to class if i JUST went to the dentist?

Byleth1: Assuming you didn't go under(which i'll assume you didn't as you're texting), then yes. Please go to class, Claude.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :( really teach?

Byleth1: Yes. Please, come to class.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :(

FuckYouAll: suck it up, deerkin. i had to go to class with two broken legs once.

FEARHER: i go to class every day and im always dying inside

JustAnArtist: I went to class with a migraine once.

HarryPotterGurl55: I had to go to class in the middle of watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when it came out in theaters!

ThePrincessofHunting: I believe that I was once in middle of hunting a deer when I was called! I was not having enough time to clean up and was arriving to class in hunting gear!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: i had to show up to class

xXFIGHTMEXx: dude i showed up to class in a naruto costume 'cause i was showin' Ralph how to do the run!

FEARHER: you fucking naruto ran to class in costume?!

xXFIGHTMEXx: um yeah? what's wrong with that?

Justbanme: Running like that doesn't make humans run faster.

xXFIGHTMEXx: um yeah it does! don't you know naruto takes inspiration from real world things??? god lin, i thought you were smart!

Justbanme: That's not how it works. That's not how anything works.

xXFIGHTMEXx: prove it! naruto run with me after class!

Justbanme: Fine, but only to prove a point. 

Dedue: Please do not run in the hallways.

lovelyMrAshe: Yeah! guys, please be safe

Justbanme: Oh don't worry. I'm not the one who's going to make a fool out of himself.

lovelyMrAshe: okay...

—————————————————————

#General

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: GUYSSSSSS

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: HEAD TO THE GOLDEN DEER CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW

HarryPotterGurl55: Why? What's happening there?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: JUST COME

HarryPotterGurl55: On my way!

BakerandSlayer: Coming!

lovelyMrAshe: Can I come, too?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: i would be honored to have jesus himself come to witness the events unfolding before my eyes

lovelyMrAshe: Um, okay. On my way!

PegasusLover80: I suppose I'll come along too.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: C O M E A L L

PegasusLover80: what.

ThisIsDimitri: What is happening in the Golden Deer classroom?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: IM SCREAMINGGGG

Justbanme: Yes. I can hear that.

Byleth1: Do not be alarmed, students. It just appeared that I was wrong about my judgment of Claude earlier. Apparently, Lorenz had been the one typing the message for Claude as Claude himself was, in fact, very much under the effects of laughing gas.

FuckYouAll: im sure as hell glad im not there to witness that fucking bullshit annoying deerkin's shit

ThisIsDimitri: Perhaps he should return to his room?

Byleth1: We tried. He would not cooperate and insisted that he needed to attend class today. In his own words,"It was fate, my Minecraft boyfriend told me so!"

ThisIsDimitri: That is rather unfortunate.

Dedue: Should we remove him from your class?

Byleth1: The other students seem to be enjoying this, and he's not causing too much trouble so far. Seeing as this is just an extended study hall, I see no reason why he cannot stay.

Dedue: If you say so, Miss Byleth.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: HES TRYING TO PROPOSE TO THE CACTUS

FuckYouAll: Where the hell did he get a cactus?

FEARHER: it was a gift from the black eagles class. they were studying succulents and gave most of them out a few months ago when they were done

Consume Thy: Cacti are succulents?

FEARHER: Yeah!

Consume Thy: Cool beans!

FuckYouAll: How come we didn't get any plants?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: because you guys succ get reckt lmao

FuckYouAll: fuck you

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Felix. DM me, this is important

—————————————————————

(FuckYouAll to xXTHOTSLAYERXx)

FuckYouAll: What happened?!

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: (below is an image of Sylvain wearing the wolf ears, tail, and paws that Felix had hid in his closet)

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: i'm attractive to you now right

FuckYouAll: .....

FuckYouAll: ...............

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Felix?

FuckYouAll: ...............................

—————————————————————

#General

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lol so hey guyssss my hand got broken lol im in the hospital

HarryPotterGurl55: Oh no!

PegasusLover80: Do I dare ask how?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lorenz is hot

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: a certain pretty swordsman didn't like my smooth moves );

HarryPotterGurl55: oh

FuckYouAll: die in a fire, scumbag

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: <3

FuckYouAll: I hope you and everyone you love die before your eyes in the most tragic way imaginable.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: i would let lorenz choke me

FEARHER: no one wanted to know that

PegasusLover80: Claude would everyone to choke him

ThisIsDimitri: I'm sure he's still under the effects of laughing gas.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

FEARHER: i dont think anyone can tell

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao yeah

xXCLAUDE420Xx: hilldadla hildasjd hiafdlj

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: you too claude <3

xXCLAUDE420Xx: <3

Consume Thy: Friendship is beautiful!

FEARHER: Yeah!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: GUYS

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: CASPAR IS NARUTO RUNNING THROUGH THE HALLWAYS AND SLEEPY GANG IS WATCHING WiTH A STOPWATCH

PegasusLover80: Great. The colony of idiots is running free.

omgJERALT: was the data correct though??? is naruto running faster??? answers!

Justbanme: Just as I predicted, no, Naruto running does not make you go faster. If anything, Caspar seemed to be .5 seconds slower when he ran in that fashion.

Justbanme: And before you ask, yes, we did multiple runs. The experiment concluded that Naruto running does not yield Caspar's ideal results.

xXFIGHTMEXx: man im so bummed out ://// i cant believe my favorite show would just lie like that.....

Consume Thy: It's not lying! They just didn't know, 'Spar!

xXFIGHTMEXx: You're right! they aren't liars at all! thanks Ralph!

Consume Thy: Haha, no problem!

FEARHER: friendship is beautiful

Consume Thy: Yeah!

—————————————————————

(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Ready, Ferdie? Remember what I taught you!

HorseBoy: I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

ThePrincessQueen: Right! So, tell me again, what are you going to do?

HorseBoy: Meet Hubert by the entrance!

ThePrincessQueen: Then?

HorseBoy: Take a stroll with him downtown to the gardens!

ThePrincessQueen: And?

HorseBoy: Look him in the eyes and hold his hand!

ThePrincessQueen: And what will you say?

HorseBoy: "Hubert, I know this may appear sudden but...I know most view you as a demon from the depths of hell itself, but I sincerely view you as a fallen angel from the heavens. There is no one else in this world as handsome, elegant, and simply breathtaking as you. Will you allow me to fall alongside you from heaven?"

ThePrincessQueen: Good! Now, go kiss the boy!

HorseBoy: I'll try my best, my dearest friend!

—————————————————————

(PrincessEdie to Hubert)

PrincessEdie: You know what you're going to do, correct?

Hubert: Of course, Lady Edelgard.

PrincessEdie: Which is?

Hubert: I shall meet von Aegir by the entrance to the monastery at 6 PM to go on a stroll, then I shall repeat the words from the script I have practiced all day, Your Highness.

PrincessEdie: Hubert, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. It was Thea's idea, not mine. All I wish is for you to follow your heart and do what'll make you the happiest, alright?

Hubert: Yes, Lady Edelgard.

PrincessEdie: I'm serious, Hubert. Don't rush into this. Promise me you'll cancel this arrangement if it's too much. I know you're not good with emotions.

Hubert: I will not do anything that will not yield results. I swear to you.

PrincessEdie: Goddess, I hope this goes well.

Hubert: I promise it shall.

—————————————————————

(PrincessEdie to ThePrincessQueen)

PrincessEdie: Are you sure this was a good idea...?

ThePrincessQueen: Yeah! I'm kind of a professional at romance you know! It'll be perfect!

PrincessEdie: Indeed you are. Well, I sincerely hope our friends may sort out their feelings, even if it does not happen tonight.

ThePrincessQueen: <3

PrincessEdie: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm no longer sick so I can write comedy again lolololol since im better, my shitpost senses have been refilled uwu
> 
> hopefully, this means I can update frequently again(until I get my wisdom teeth out, rip)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ferdinand is a useless lesbian 2: the cactus wars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(ThePrincessQueen to HorseBoy)

ThePrincessQueen: Well?

HorseBoy: Please do not make me face Hubert ever again.

ThePrincessQueen: What happened?

HorseBoy: Ugh.

ThePrincessQueen: Ferdie?

—————————————————————

(ThePrincessQueen to Hubert)

ThePrincessQueen: WHAT DID YOU DO TO FERDIE YOUNG MAN

Hubert: I did not do anything to "Ferdie," as you call him.

ThePrincessQueen: >:(

Hubert: I don't know what you want me to say.

ThePrincessQueen: HuBIE I SWEAR TO GODDDDD

ThePrincessQueen: BOTH OF YOU ARE sO BAD AAA

—————————————————————

(PrincessEdie to Hubert)

PrincessEdie: How did last night go?

Hubert: We made it to the gardens at 6:30 PM. He stared blankly at me like a fool before saying, and I quote, "I'm the fallen angel, Yohane. Won't you fall from grace with me, little demon?" Whilst stuttering profusely before running away into the night.

PrincessEdie: I see...

—————————————————————

(PrincessEdie to ThePrincessQueen)

ThePrincessQueen: do u kno what our demon son said to ferdie? :(

PrincessEdie: Ferdinand had quoted Love Live before running off

PrincessEdie: It's terrible, I know, but I can't help but laugh a little. Poor Ferdinand.

ThePrincessQueen: i

ThePrincessQueen: wtf did he quote?

PrincessEdie: Yoshiko's catchphrase!

ThePrincessQueen: ARE YOU KIDDiNG ME

ThePrincessQueen: DO WE HAVE TO CONFESS TO THEM OURSELVES?!

PrincessEdie: I don't advocate doing that.

ThePrincessQuen: edieeeeeeeee

ThePrincessQueen: it's like watching us but wooooorse

PrincessEdie: I know, but I believe in them.

ThePrincessQueen: <3

PrincessEdie: <3

—————————————————————

#General

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha so i left the hospital but my hand is still messed up hahaha

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lol so like i have this really cool cactus in my room now ;P

FuckYouAll: No one gives a shit, Sylvain

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: i kno u do ;P

FuckYouAll: -_-tttttttttttt

BakerandSlayer: Cactus?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha yeah

loevlyMrAshe: Doesn't Golden Deer have a cactus in their classroom?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lmao i dunno i just came back to see the cactus in my room ;P i knew i was popular w the lads and lasses lolol

FuckYouAll: i hope you turn out deathly allergic to succulents 

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: succ lololol

FuckYouAll: Fuck you

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: GUYSSSS LOOOOOOK! IM A CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: (Below is an image of a fluffy pink anthropomorphic cat in a very doll-like art style)

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: IMA GET CAT EARS AAAAA GUYSSSSSSSSSSS 

xXCLAUDE420Xx: FURRY

xXLorenzXx: Must you always call our classmates furries, Claude? Not everyone is a furry. Just because they have received a drawing of themselves as an anthropomorphic cat in an admittingly adorable and classy art style does not make them a furry. Furthermore, indulging in such activities such as wearing animal ears and tails does not make you a furry either. I am disappointed in you, Claude. Seeing as you are top of the class in terms of grades and overall performance, I am beyond surprised and disappointed in you. I would've liked to believe that you were capable of understanding such a simple concept as "Furries," but you have proved me otherwise. How horrid, Claude. How ignorant of you. 

FuckYouAll: Finally, someone speaking some sense here for once

FuckYouAll: Sylvain if you fucking comment on this i tear your fucking blankets again

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ;P

FuckYouAll: FUCK YOU

xXCLAUDE420Xx: thats what a furry would say!

FuckYouAll: im going after both of you

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Must you always call our classmates furries, Claude? Not everyone is a furry. Just because they have received a drawing of themselves as an anthropomorphic cat in an admittingly adorable and classy art style does not make them a furry. Furthermore, indulging in such activities such as wearing animal ears and tails does not make you a furry either. I am disappointed in you, Claude. Seeing as you are top of the class in terms of grades and overall performance, I am beyond surprised and disappointed in you. I would've liked to believe that you were capable of understanding such a simple concept as "Furries," but you have proved me otherwise. How horrid, Claude. How ignorant of you. 

xXLorenzXx: FUCK YOU CLAUDE YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS ANYMORE IM BREAKING UP WITH YOU PUBLICALLY, VON RIEGAN

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :3 ily2

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: call me nyada 'cause i gon be lookin cute AS FUCK

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: :PPPPPP i bet y'all are jealous that i have THE BEST GIRLFRIEND and you guys DONT

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: (Below is a picture of a slightly-less-than-usually-dead inside Marianne being hugged by Hilda)

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: @Justbanme hey sleepy gang u jelly of my gf? ;3 ;P :P

Justbanme: Hilda, I'm a homosexual.

FEARHER: who the fuck stole our cactus

PegasusLover80: Maybe it's the idiot with the giant cactus in his room... 

FEARHER: what

PegasusLover80: Sylvain has your cactus

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: it was there when i got back tho

PegasusLover80: Somehow, I don't believe that.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lol what would i want with a cactus? wouldnt it shed or something lol

FuckYouAll: cacti arent snakes you fucking dumbass

FEARHER: can we please have our cactus back?

omgJERALT: Gerome is gone?!

FEARHER: yeah, ingrid says sylvain stole him

FuckYouAll: you guys fucking named it?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: brb gotta grab a new blanket

xXCLAUDE420Xx: they wouldn't let us name him lorenz :c

xXLorenzXx: FUCK YOU

ThePrincessQueen: remember when lorenz cursing was rare?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lol i dont

ThePrincessQueen: me neither 

omgJERALT: I swear on Jeralt we'll get him back!

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: uh, the cactus is gone

omgJERALT: WHAT?!

FuckYouAll: wtf it is

PegasusLover80: is someone just moving the cactus? 

PegasusLover80: Check the Golden Deer classroom, perhaps the thief took it back.

FEARHER: its not there

ThisIsDimitri: Why is there a cactus on the roof of the monastery...?

omgJERALT: HOW THE HECK DID IT GET UP THERE SO FAST?!

Justbanme: A warp spell perhaps? It would explain how fast it got up there. Although there's only three of us who can learn it.

omgJERALT: can't hubert warp?

Justbanme: Well yes, but actually no.

omgJERALT: who are the other three?

Justbanme: Me, Lysithea, and Manuela.

BakerandSlayer: Manuela is next to me in the dining hall. We're preparing for a video tomorrow. You're all welcome to watch us when we film!

lovelyMrAshe: Can't wait!

HarryPotterGurl55: YAAAAAY!

ThePrincessofHunting: No Sylvain, right?

BakerandSlayer: Of course!

ThePrincessofHunting: :)

omgJERALT: well, lysithie is with me so its obviously you who's doing all this, linhardt! 

omgJERALT: SURRENDER GEROME OR FACE THE WRATH OF JERALT'S FAVORITE CHILD!

Byleth1: My brother and I tend to read the chat.

omgJERALT: omg hi miss byleth say hi to Jeralt for me :)))))) make sure to give him the friendship bracelets i made him okay?????? all twenty-seven PLEASE! he wasn't there when i wanted to give them to him yesterday

Byleth1: I'm actually in a meeting. 

omgJERALT: o ok :) i'll be waiting miss byleth :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Justbanme: What would I want with a cactus?

omgJERALT: i dunno, crest research? 

Justbanme: what.

Justbanme: Hubert can sort of warp, you know. Even if he refuses to acknowledge it for whatever reason.

Hubert: I did not steal the Golden Deer's cactus.

omgJERALT: you drive a fucking dodge so you're unreliable

ThePrincessQueen: what the fuck is wrong with hubert

ThePrincessQueen: Edie our son is wrong

Hubert: I am not either of your sons.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: BOW TO ME MORTALS

PegasusLover80: Goddess, why am I always the one who happens to find out whatever the hell Claude is doing at any given moment?

FEARHER: which is????

PegasusLover80: Look at the roof by the entrance.

FEARHER: what-

xXCLAUDE420Xx: BOW TO ME MORTALS! I'M THE CACTUS KING!

omgJERALT: RETURN GEROME YOU MONSTER

xXCLAUDE420Xx: I SHALL RETURN THE PRINCE IF YOU CAN ANSWER MY RIDDLE

Justbanme: im emailing seteth

xXCLAUDE420Xx: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

xXCLAUDE420Xx: I SHALL KILL PRINCE GEROME WITH MY OWN SWORD SHALL YOU COMMIT SUCH AN ACT AGAINST GOD

FEARHER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

omgJERALT: WHAT IS THE QUESTION?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Who is joe?

omgJERALT: joe?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: JOE MAMA

xXCLAUDE420Xx: HA! GOTTEM

FEARHER: fuck you, return the fucking cactus 

xXCLAUDE420Xx: haha ok can any of you help me down though? getting up was the easy part but getting down seems a little tricky

xXCLAUDE420Xx: uh, guys?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: guuuuuuuys?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: GUYS IM STUCK ON THE ROOF WITH A CACTUS

xXCLAUDE420Xx: I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

xXCLAUDE420Xx: LET ME DOOOOOOOOOOWN LET ME DOOOOOOOOOOWN

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to Hubert)

HorseBoy: Hey hubert

Hubert: Yes?

HorseBoy: You wanna maybe hang out again? Sorry for last night, that was terribly embarrassing!

Hubert: Heh. Well, it was amusing.

HorseBoy: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to come out earlier but I took a nap instead >~< 
> 
> i got second-hand embarrassment from thinking up the ferdinand part in the beginning lmaoooo


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay panic feat. everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(BernieTheKitty to ThePrincessofHunting)

BernieTheKitty: um hi petra can you maybe um killthispidernearmyhousemaybeifyouwantontheminecraftserverplease

ThePrincessofHunting: Yes. I will hunt the spider!

BernieTheKitty: thank you so much ;w;

ThePrincessofHunting: Where are you?

BernieTheKitty: um im in the basement of my house do u need my coordinates?

ThePrincessofHunting: No need. I shall find you Bernadetta!

BernieTheKitty: ok!

BernieTheKitty: um petra theres um a spider in my attic i think or um somewhere in the house...

BernieTheKitty: can u pls kill it too if udontmind

ThePrincessofHunting: Yes! I do not mind killing the spiders.

BernieTheKitty: um how do u um want me to repay you

ThePrincessofHunting: No need for repayment. I am enjoying this adventure!

BernieTheKitty: thankyousomuch aaaaaaa ur the best ;w;

ThePrincessofHunting: :D

—————————————————————

(BernieTheKitty to Mari)

BernieTheKitty: aaaaaaaaaa

Mari: aaa........

BernieTheKitty: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Mari: aaaaaa

BernieTheKitty: petra killed a spider for me in minecraft!!!!

Mari: thats sweet........

BernieTheKitty: eeeeeeeeeeeeee

BernieTheKitty: shes so cool....!!!!!!!!

Mari: yeahhhh..........

BernieTheKitty: AAAAAAAAA

BernieTheKitty: she didnt even want anything in return!!!!!!

Mari: you like her a lot......

BernieTheKitty: yeah!!!!!!! i like her!!!!

Mari: i seee.....

BernieTheKitty: >~<

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: Oh Dorothea!

ThePrincessQueen: Hi Ferdie! I'm at Wendy's with Edie, is this important?

HorseBoy: Very much so!

ThePrincessQueen: ????

HorseBoy: I had invited the dark, brooding, handsome Hubert to my room as an apology for the night before, and he showed up with a flower! Oh, Dorothea, it was the prettiest flower known to man! Ah, there are no words to describe the emotion I felt upon that hour! Oh, my heart is aching with joy! I cannot handle it! We spoke quietly for a few moments before he, unfortunately, left my room! I have yet to let go of the flower as it is the most important object I've ever been given! Oh, Dorothea I feel as though my cheeks are still red! Ah, young love!

—————————————————————

#General

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: who tf is screaming in the wendys

BernieTheKitty: i dunno butitsscaringme

PrincessEdie: Everything is fine, Ferdinand just texted Dorothea, that's all.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: why are all the lesbians at wendys

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao felix is here too

xXCLAUDE420Xx: he is a lesbian, yes

FuckYouAll: im going to fucking put a hole so wide in your stomach the doctors will think you got shot with a canon 

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lol me next haha

FuckYouAll: FUCK YOU SCUM FILLED DIRTBAG 

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: lol i love u 2 felix xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

xXCLAUDE420Xx: peak romance

FuckYouAll: fuck you, deerkin

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Hello fellow students! How are you? >~<

xXCLAUDE420Xx: gay as fuck

BakerandSlayer: About to film!

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: I wish I was there!

FEARHER: why is the cactus in the infirmary

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Oh no! Is Gerome alright?! What had happened?

PegasusLover80: I don't know, what happened, Claude.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Hey! It's not my fault Gerome had no business being that slim thicc

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: What is slim thicc?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: its what ur brother is lol

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: who keeps reporting my messages to seteth can u please stop

Mari: gerome is in the infirmary to make sure hes ok..........i think he'll be out in a few days.......

omgJERALT: how bad are his injuries????

Mari: we dont think he has any so far...........

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: I am so happy Gerome is alright!

BernieTheKitty: me too!!!!!

BakerandSlayer: Hey guys! Can someone help us with the new equipment?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: i can 

BakerandSlayer: Someone who isn't Sylvain? :)

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ;(

FuckYouAll: I guess I can.

BakerandSlayer: Thank you very much!!! :)

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to Hubert)

HorseBoy: Hello Hubert!!! Thank you so very much for the rose!

Hubert: You've already thanked me several times.

HorseBoy: Oh, have I? My apologies! The flower was so, very lovely!

Hubert: Is it, now?

HorseBoy: Oh yes, very much so!

Hubert: It made me think of you.

HorseBoy: Really?

Hubert: I will not repeat myself.

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: Please excuse my improper use of capitalization in my next message.

HorseBoy: WHAT DO I SAY TO HUBERT NOW?! He said the flower made him think of me! Oh goodness, I feel so faint!

ThePrincessQueen: AAAAAAAAAAA

ThePrincessQueen: oh my god ferdie just tell him what you think of him you dumb lesbian

HorseBoy: What?

ThePrincessQueen: Just copy and paste this oh my god: "Thanks, the flower makes me think of you too."

HorseBoy: Okay!

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to Hubert)

HorseBoy: Thanks, the flower makes me think of you too.

Hubert: Is that so?

HorseBoy: Yes, it's very beautiful!

Hubert: You're calling me beautiful?

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: I called him beautiful what do I do?!

ThePrincessQueen: OMG FINALLY

ThePrincessQueen: what did he say????

HorseBoy: He just asked if I meant it!

ThePrincessQueen: well you obviously meant it right?

HorseBoy: Of course!

ThePrincessQueen: so just say yes!!!

HorseBoy: Alright! Thank you very much, Dorothea!

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to Hubert)

HorseBoy: Yes!

Hubert: Is that so? Well, I believe you are not so dreadful looking yourself.

HorseBoy: Really?!

Hubert: Yes. Occasionally you look rather appealing. 

—————————————————————

(Hubert to PrincessEdie)

Hubert: Pardon me, Lady Edelgard, but I have something to ask of you.

PrincessEdie: Which is?

Hubert: I have informed Ferdinand that he occasionally looks appealing. Perhaps I have gone too far as he has yet to reply within the hour.

PrincessEdie: Oh, Hubert, he's just flustered!

Hubert: I see. Thank you, Lady Edelgard.

PrincessEdie: Have you asked him out yet?

Hubert: I have not.

PrincessEdie: I see.

Hubert: Should I?

PrincessEdie: I think you should, but don't feel pressured to, alright?

Hubert: Yes, Lady Edelgard.

—————————————————————

(Hubert to HorseBoy)

Hubert: Go out with me.

—————————————————————

#General

HarryPotterGurl55: Who screamed? Mercie is filming!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: keep the screaming in, we can turn this into a horror series

HarryPotterGurl55: Just because it's October doesn't mean we can keep in the screaming!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: yes it does

HarryPotterGurl55: We aren't even filming the Halloween episode!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: explain why felix looks so dead inside then

PegasusLover80: Because Sylvain showed up and Mercie is too busy filming to kick him out and Manuela is too distracted by the sight of a single shot of vodka to care.

—————————————————————

(xXTHOTSLAYERXx to FuckYouAll)

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: hey

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: hey felix

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: do u see me waving at u

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: im wearing the red shirt that says "lmao"

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: felix

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: im making peace signs do u see me

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: im cheering u on do u see me cheering

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: feeeeeeeeelllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiixxx

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: felix u look cute in that outfit

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ur good at cooking haha

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: im waving at u again

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: did u see me i winked hahaha

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: I'm being sincere when I say you did well. Let's go out after filming, yeah?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ur cute

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha felixxxxxxxxx where'd u go? :(

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: I'm serious about going out with you somewhere, though. You did well and deserve something special, yeah? I can't wait to see the finished project, you're good on camera and I mean it. You looked genuine and happy out there.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: <3

FuckYouAll: Was 17 messages necessary?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha maybe not

FuckYouAll: sigh

FuckYouAll: Where do you wanna go?

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Wait what? You wanna go somewhere?!

FuckYouAll: Don't make me change my mind.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Let's go to a movie! You deserve it!

FuckYouAll: You act like I saved a city, but fine. Let's meet up in an hour.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Hell yeah!

—————————————————————

#General

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: im gettin a date ;) who jealous?

Justbanme: I can count the number of people who care on one hand.

Justbanme: Oh wait, I can't because I'd have to remove my fingers do to so.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: i fucking love u sleepy gang<3

Justbanme: Ok.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: ur so iconic i cantttt

Justbanme: No.

FuckYouAll: I'm not on a date with you, Sylvain.

FEARHER: no one believed him

PegasusLover80: Correct. Not a single soul believed him.

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: hahaha ;)

FuckYouAll: Fuck off

ThePrincessofHunting: I have learned an exciting new phrase!

ThePrincessofHunting: Nico Nico Nii!

Mari: oh....

ThePrincessQueen: OMG

ThePrincessQueen: WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?!

ThePrincessofHunting: I am watching Love Live School Idol Festival with Bernadetta!

ThePrincessQueen: I C O N I C

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: CAN I GET A NICO NICO NII IN CHAT?

xXCLAUDE420Xx: NICO NICO NII

ThePrincessofHunting: Nico Nico Nii!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: NICO NICO NIIIIIIII

ThePrincessQueen: Nico nico nii!!!!

PrincessEdie: Nico nico nii!

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Nico nico nii!

HarryPotterGurl55: Nico nico nii!

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: Nico Nico Nii! ;)

xXFIGHTMEXx: NICO NICO NII

Consume Thy: Nico nico nii!!!!

FEARHER: am i having a stroke

FEARHER: why did caspar join in

FEARHER: why did edelgard join in

FEARHER: why did annette join

Justbanme: You're all idiots.

ThePrincessofHunting: Do not being so negative! Nico Nico Nii!

Justbanme: I'm going back to sleep.

lovelyMrAshe: but it's 3 PM?

Justbanme: Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made a twitter @ MrAquaticKitty uwu follow for shitposting and future art uwu


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seteth returns, disaster ensues, gay panic (as usual), and the gang starts a revolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: PARDON THE CAPSLOCK BUT HUBERT ASKED ME OUT YESTERDAY!

ThePrincessQueen: YESSSSSSSSSSssssssssssss

ThePrincessQueen: Are you two a thing now???!??!?!?!??!?!

HorseBoy: I haven't replied yet!

ThePrincessQueen: ferdiE

ThePrincessQueen: ISHANDGSKOFENRGYDUswXK

ThePrincessQueen: STOP TEXTING ME AND REPLY TO HIM ALREADY OH MY GOD

HorseBoy: What do I say?!

ThePrincessQueen: ISJUCSDOHJUHFCYGJ

ThePrincessQueen: JUST FUCKING SAY YES AND ApOLOGISE FOR NOT RESPONDING SOONER

HorseBoy: Okay!

ThePrincessQueen: THEN FUCKINF KISS HIM oR ELSE

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to Hubert)

HorseBoy: My apologies for replying so late! I thought I was dreaming when I saw your carefully crafted words! My answer to your request is yes! I shall gladly go out with you!

Hubert: Good.

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: What do I do now?!

ThePrincessQueen: What did he say?

HorseBoy: "Good."

ThePrincessQueen: I

ThePrincessQueen: you fucking disaster gays i swear to GOD

ThePrincessQueen: Okay, calm down and organize a date.

ThePrincessQueen: Invite him to your place and have a romantic candlelit dinner then do whatever it is ferdinand does

HorseBoy: Okay! You're a lifesaver, Dorothea!

ThePrincessQueen: *Fairy godmother of all the gays

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to Hubert)

HorseBoy: Please meet me by my room! We must organize a meeting.

Hubert: Ok.

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincesQueen)

HorseBoy: IT IS HAPPENING! 

HorseBoy: Oh Dorothea his words make me faint! Ah, how romantic he is! He is coming to my room as we speak! Oh, Dorothea, if this is dream do not wake me! I cannot believe that a noble like me is officially going out with a man so far out of my league! Oh, I cannot believe that my heart is now truly mine! I am the happiest man alive!

ThePrincessQueen: "out of my league" no offense but hubert is f tier

HorseBoy: What is that supposed to mean?!

ThePrincessQueen: Nothing <3! Have a good date, Ferdie!

—————————————————————

#General

HorseBoy: Hello classmates! It is of my utmost delight to announce that Hubert von Vestra is officially my romantic partner! I am overjoyed and wish you all a lovely day!

Hubert: Must you be so dramatic?

HorseBoy: Dramatic? Nonsense! This is the only appropriate way of announcing my love for you!

PrincessEdie: Congratulations!

ThePrincessQueen: aww, of course, you immediately announce it to general <3

xXCLAUDE420Xx: GAY

Hubert: I would hope so.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao hubert

xXCLAUDE420Xx: HUBERT MADE A JOKE

xXCLAUDE420Xx: THERES NO WAY THATS THE REAL HUBERT! QUICK, WHAT IS THE SOMETHING ONLY THE REAL HUBERT WOULD SAY?!

PrincessEdie: Claude, please, don't do this.

Hubert: I may joke whenever I feel like it.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: IMPOSTER

lovelyMrAshe: guys i think Seteth comes back today

xXCLAUDE420Xx: FUCK

Seteth: Hello students of Garreg Mach Monastery, Mr. Byleth, Flayn, and I have returned from our vacation at sea. Thank you to all the students who behaved appropriately while we were away. However, a few of you did not behave appropriately and have had their "Minecraft" accounts temporarily banned. Miss. Byleth will no longer be needing to moderate the Discord server, but she will still be a part of it.  
Now, I would like to address the relationship between Ferdinand von Aegir and Hubert von Vestra. Please follow the strict dating rules.  
"1- Handholding can only be done when sitting down for SHORT periods. 2- Hugging must be BRIEF. 3- No kissing. 4- Garreg Mach Monastery is not responsible for any forms of violence as a result of dating, therefore, you may not sue Garreg Mach Monastery as a result. 5- Sleepovers MUST have at LEAST THREE OR MORE PARTICIPANTS WITH A GUARDIAN AVAILABLE(excluding Manuela). 6- No cheating. 7- You may stare into each other’s eyes for no more than two and a half seconds at a time. 8- Sylvain is not allowed to date Flayn. 9- In addition to Flayn, Sylvain is not allowed to flirt with Mr Byleth Eisner. Nor is he allowed to go on any form of dates with Mr Byleth Eisner. He shall also not flirt with Mr Byleth Eisner's twin sister, Miss Byleth Eisner."  
I know that you may be tempted by each other, being young adults, but do NOT engage in any unholy activities.  
Congratulations.  
-Seteth

xXCLAUDE420Xx: quick, everyone with a partner gather around seteth's office and kiss your partner. he can't stop all of us.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: hell yesssss

ThePrincessQueen: lets go edie!

PrincessQueen: <3

xXLorenzXx: I shall make our love known worldwide!

Hubert: I will not be engaging in such childish activities.

HorseBoy: We should be obeying the rules!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: why the other boys gotta be so lame ):

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: ;)

FuckYouAll: fuck you

Seteth: Do not do such an unholy activity. All of your "Minecraft" accounts shall be banned for a week if you do this.

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao worth it

xXCLAUDE420Xx: GAY GANG RISE UP! ONLY WE CAN OPPOSE THE CRUEL AND UNUSUAL DATING RULES! 

HorseBoy: Well, if you put it that way, then I am inclined by your mission. Seteth should not have such impossible rules regarding matters of the heart!

Hubert: I shall go with you if you wish.

HorseBoy: Only if you want, my sweet!

Hubert: I shall follow in your lead, my love.

HorseBoy: Oh, Hubert! Your words cause my face to turn as red as the finest roses in Fodlan!

Hubert: Good.

ThePrincessQueen: god, you two are perfect :,) im so proud of our sons, edie

xXCLAUDE420Xx: come on! we have to stop seteth!

HorseBoy: Coming!

Hubert: Whatever.

ThePrincessQueen: I believe in us!

PrincessEdie: As do I!

Beautiful Bitch Slayers: GAY COUPLES RAISE UP

Mari: ok.....

xXLorenzXx: Coming!

Seteth: Do not!

FEARHER: youre all children

xXCLAUDE420Xx: can someone please record this

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: i will ;) haha

FuckYouAll: Fuck you

xXTHOTSLAYERXx: haha

FuckYouAll: FUCK YOU

xXCLAUDE420Xx: Alright gay gang! Let's go!

—————————————————————

#General

FEARHER: do i dare ask how it went

PegasusLover80: For some ungodly reason I had stumbled upon the idiot colony's escapade, so I suppose I will have to be the unlucky one explaining why half this chatroom is currently sitting in detention. 

PegasusLover80: First of all, Claude started naruto running while the others had to jog for god knows what reason

PegasusLover80: Second, when they got to Seteth's office he was holding a cross out as if it would somehow purify the idiot colony. The idiots then started to kiss each other like it would somehow melt Seteth's thick skin if it did. Afterward, Seteth screamed and Mr. Byleth came out of his office, saw what was happening, and proceeded to kiss Seteth on the cheek before leaving. Immediately, he started giving everyone there detention (including Felix and Sylvain).

PegasusLover: And thats why half the black eagles and golden deer are missing. 

FEARHER: wow

Justbanme: Idiots.

Byleth2: I'll talk to Seteth and see if we can reduce their unfair punishment.

Consume Thy: Go Mr. Byleth! Haha! Give 'em a talk!

FEARHER: yeah!

Consume Thy: Hi Lysithea!

FEARHER: hi raphael

JustAnArtist: Does that mean the rules will be rewritten?

Byleth2: Hopefully.

Byleth1: I'll schedule a meeting regardless.

Byleth2: Any particular date?

Byleth1: Almost certainly next week. We wouldn't have time with the Halloween dance and all.

BakerandSlayer: Have you gotten the baking supply list yet, Miss. Byleth?

Byleth1: Yes. I shall be emailing you.

HarryPotterGurl55: Wow! I almost forgot about the Halloween dance!

FEARHER: yeah, with the weirdos out of the chat we can focus on the future huh

ThePrincessofHunting: Indeed! I can not wait for the Halloween event!

BakerandSlayer: Me neither!

Byleth2: We should be emailing out a more detailed "flyer" to all students either tonight or tomorrow. It was a little difficult to convince Seteth that this was a good idea again (due to last year), but eventually, he agreed. 

BernieTheKitty: yay

HarryPotterGurl55: Yaaaaay!

Justbanme: Ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy national cat day lmao
> 
> im workin on a ferdibert fic in between writing this and its taking me forever rip uwu


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Halloween episode!!!!!!
> 
> usernames change for this chapter ^_^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide-
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- MagicalFlayn
> 
> Edelgard- Princess Witchelgard  
Dorothea- TheSpookyQueen  
Ferdinand- SpookyBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Halloween  
Caspar- xXGHOSTFIGHTERXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheSpookyKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHalloween
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx  
Ashe- SpookyMrAshe  
Mercedes- GhostSlayerandBaker  
Annette- HalloweenGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXSKELETONLORD420Xx   
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Halloween Candy  
Ignaz- JustASpookyArtist  
Lysithea- Witchsithea  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer  
Leonie- omgHALLOWEEN

#General

Seteth: Happy Halloween, students! We have reluctantly agreed to host the Halloween event earlier than usual. The event will take place at 6:30 PM. Please adhere to the dress code written in the student guidebook. -Seteth

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: SETETH IS BEING NICE PRAISE LORD BYLETH

GhostSlayerandBaker: Happy Halloween, everyone!

HalloweenGurl55: Happy Halloween!

Witchsithea: there's gonna be sweets at the event, right?!

Halloween Candy: There better be!

GhostSlayerandBaker: I already started preparing some treats last night :)

HalloweenGurl55: Yay!!!!

Witchsithea: YAY

Halloween Candy: Am i allowed to bring my own?

GhostSlayerandBaker: Of course!

Halloween Candy: Haha! This is gonna be amazing!

GhostSlayerandBaker: What are you guys gonna dress up as today?

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: its a secret ;)

Witchsithea: I swear to god, if you ruin this Halloween event again with another sans cosplay I'm gonna SCREAM

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: ):

Witchsithea: CLAUDE

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: but i love being sans :(

Witchsithea: you kept jumping on the tables while playing megalovania! while yelling that steven universe parody too!!!

PegasusLover80: And then he put laxatives in the punch like every damn year

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: :3 

Seteth: For the safety of all students, we have decided to have the guards protect all liquids brought to the party. All liquids will be tested an hour beforehand, so if you wish to bring something to share, you MUST bring it to the dining hall first to get it approved. -Seteth

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: :(

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: lol I'm a werewolf this year ;) haha 

FuckYouAll: I'm going as myself again

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: felixxxx that isnt fuuuun! come onnnn be my little red riding hooooood

FuckYouAll: hell no

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: :( but felix we gotta match

FuckYouAll: fuck you

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: :(

SpookyMrAshe: I'm going as a knight!

HalloweenGurl55: oooooo!

Witchsithea: i'm a witch

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: but u were a witch last year

Witchsithea: i dont care. im always a witch.

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: but

Witchsithea: witches are powerful and im ultra powerful so stfu

TheSpookyQueen: damnnnnnnNNnn

GhostSlayerandBaker: Hello Dorothea! What are you going as? :)

TheSpookyQueen: Oh hi Mercie! I'm gonna be a beautiful princess and Edie will be my magical knight ;)

Princess Witchelgard: Indeed!

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: IM A FUCKING NEKO MAGICAL WITCH GIRL

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: MARI MADE MY COSTUME SHES THE BESSSSSTTTTTTTTT

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: AAAAAAA

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: LOOK HOW CUTE I AM GUYSSSSS

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: (Below is a picture of Hilda wearing a beautifully made witch costume with a lot of small details. She has pink cat ears and a tail alongside an oversized witch hat and broom. She looks overjoyed.)

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCCHHHHHHHH SHES SO TALENTED AAADSBJDNXSUUJSNZHK

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: SUCK IT BITCHESSSSSS

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: me and Lorenz will match ;)

Witchsithea: im scared

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: all according to keikaku

xXGHOSTFIGHTERXx: whats keikaku?????

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: keikaku means plan

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: my life is complete

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: lmaoooooo

Halloween: I'm staying inside and sleeping.

SpookyBoy: Are you not going to go out and enjoy the festivities?

Halloween: No.

BernieTheSpookyKitty: imgonnastayinsidetoo

BernieTheSpookyKitty: but um ill still dress up and stuff

Halloween: Halloween is the only time where it's acceptable to disguise myself and sleep in a dark closet and not come out. I'm just going to make the best of the time I have. Don't disturb me.

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: mood

omgHalloween: Come on lin! Let's go out and get candy!

Halloween: Goodnight.

omgHalloween: Halloween is one of the best times of the year! You can fight each other in costume and look at the stars!

Halloween Candy: Haha! Yeah! I love Halloween, but I love Christmas more!

JustASpookyArtist: Halloween is nice, I like making Halloween art.

Mari: ok...........

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: MARIIIII

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: THANk YOU FOR MAKING ME BEAUTIFUL AND THE BESTTTT I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU SOOOO MUCHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh

Mari: yeahhh no problemmm hilda...

Mari: <3

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

xXSKELTONLORD42OXx: i see that Halloween enhances the gay powers

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: lmao yeah

—————————————————————

#General

Witchsithea: huberts costume isaactualladyas ascasry wtffffffff

SpookyBoy: But he's not wearing a costume?

Witchsithea: then what's with that super creepy outfit?!

SpookyBoy: That is just his winter coat!

Witchsithea: o

Spooky Witchy Ghost Slayer: OMG LOOK AT CLAUDE AND LORENZ

PegasusLover80: Goddamnit, how dare I think this Halloween was going to be normal.

Witchsithea: what-

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: IM SANS THE CHRISTMAS TREE

xXSKELETONLORD420Xx: (Below is an image of Claude wearing a Sans Undertale cosplay with glued on sticks and Christmas lights flashing colors. Lorenz is next to him wearing a devil costume)

Witchsithea: WTF I TOLD YOU NOT TO BE SANS

PegasusLover80: Claude, how tf is that a matching costume.

FuckYouAll: They're creatures from hell.

Princess Witchelgard: Is someone playing Megalonvia?

Witchsithea: CLAUDE

xXLorenzXx: I tried to stop him, but his charms were too much for me.

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: haha

FuckYouAll: t

PegasusLover80: Sigh. Great. Ferdinand just arrived at the party and now he's upset that he and Dorothea have similar costumes.

SpookyMrAshe: I thought Dorothea was a princess?

PegasusLover80: Yeah, well so is Ferdinand.

ThisIsDimitri: Please, do not fight over costumes.

Dedue: Do not fight.

ThePrincessofHalloween: But the ghost fighting is the best part!

Dedue: Ghost fighting?

ThePrincessofHalloween: It has appeared that the ghost of the hour has arrived!

FuckYouAll: wtf is happening

PegasusLover80: Caspar just showed up in a shitty ghost costume with a sign that says "fight me for 20 bucks"

Dedue: Oh no.

ThisIsDimitri: If fighting will happen, please don't do it inside.

PegasusLover80: Bit too late for that.

ThisIsDimitri: Why can't we just have a normal Halloween for once?

Princess Witchelgard: I'll be sure to break up any fights that might happen. Although, It just seems like the two are play fighting at best.

ThisIsDimitri: Oh thank god.

—————————————————————

(SpookyBoy to Hubert)

SpookyBoy: Is it alright if we head back to your room?

Hubert: Why? What's wrong?

SpookyBoy: Ah, nothing! I just wish to spend the remainder of the night with you away from the crowd! If you do not mind, that is.

Hubert: Of course I don't. 

Hubert: My princes.

—————————————————————

(SpookyBoy to TheSpookyQueen)

SpookyBoy: Hubert and I will be leaving the party, alright Dorothea?

TheSpookyQueen: oooo gonna cuddle to some horror movies??

SpookyBoy: Ah, maybe? I do not know what we shall do.

SpookyBoy: But guess what?!

TheSpookyQueen: ?????

SpookyBoy: He called me his prince over text!

TheSpookyQueen: nawww, ferdie please, im trying not to scream at the Halloween party <3

SpookyBoy: ?

TheSpookyQueen: Edie and I might have some competition for cutest couple at the monastery is all <3

TheSpookyQueen: be careful 'cause even though i am 100% responsible for how cute you and hubie are, edie and i WILL out cute you two 

SpookyQueen: We'll see about that! Challenge accepted!

—————————————————————

(xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx to FuckYouAll)

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: Dudeeee i ate so muchhhhhh

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: can i pls come over im sicccccccc

FuckYouAll: Nobody told you to chug that bottle of maple syrup, Sylvain.

xXWerewolfBoyfriendxx: haha yeah...

FuckYouAll: Sigh

FuckYouAll: But if you really feel that fucking sick, i guess i'll watch you

FuckYouAll: for an HOUR

xXWerewolfBoyfriendXx: *hugs u*

FuckYouAll: fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!!! I'm still workin on that ferdibert ficc and I'm really sick today so no candy !!! Gonna enjoy the day by playing games and watching anime and listening to spooky internet tales though!!!! (Nexpo is a REAL good yt channel for suuuuuper spooky internet stuff!)
> 
> this came out late 'cause sickness made me wake up at 1:00 PM ^_^'


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bath bombs, uta no prince sama, and walmart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username guide:
> 
> Fem Byleth- Byleth1  
Male Byleth- Byleth2  
Seteth- Seteth  
Flayn- HeyItsFlaynThePrincess!
> 
> Edelgard- PrincessEdie  
Dorothea- ThePrincessQueen  
Ferdinand- HorseBoy  
Hubert- Hubert  
Linhardt- Justbanme  
Caspar- xXFIGHTMEXx  
Bernadetta- BernieTheKitty  
Petra- ThePrincessofHunting
> 
> Dimitri- ThisIsDimitri  
Dedue- Dedue  
Felix- FuckYouAll  
Sylvain- xXTHOTSLAYERXx  
Ashe- lovelyMrAshe  
Mercedes- BakerandSlayer  
Annette- HarryPotterGurl55  
Ingrid- PegasusLover80
> 
> Claude- xXCLAUDE420Xx  
Lorenz- xXLorenzXx  
Raphael- Consume Thy  
Ignaz- JustAnArtist!  
Lysithea- FEARHER  
Marianne- Mari  
Hilda- Beautiful Bitch Slayer  
Leonie- omgJERALT

#General Minecraft

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Hello fellow students! ^_^ Can someone please help me with my castle project?

lovelyMrAshe: I can help!

JustAnArtist: I have a lot of experience

HarryPotterGurl55: I can help too!

HeyItsFlaynThePrincess: Thank you so much guys ^^!!!!

HarryPotterGurl55: No problem Flayn!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: id help but im kiiiiiinda in a bit of a sticky situation rn

PegasusLover80: What on god's green earth have you done this time?

FEARHER: hes covered in glitter

PegasusLover80: Of course he is. Of fucking course he is. Why am I not surprised?

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: lmao

xXCLAUDE420Xx: seriously, how do i get this off

BernieTheKitty: um i think makeup wipes work???? sorryimnotcompletelysureaaaaaaaaa

xXCLAUDE420Xx: there is not enough makeup juice in this world to undo my mistake

omgJERALT: how much glitter is on you?!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: my entire body

omgJERALT: what

Consume Thy: Maybe you can sweat it out!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: good thinking!

—————————————————————

#General

xXCLAUDE420Xx: it didnt work and now my bones hurt ):

Justbanme: Because doing an intense workout surely rids the body of glitter. Truly marvelous. Keep it up and you might become the world's greatest scholar in no time.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: :(

xXLorenzXx: Well, maybe if you didn't take my bath bombs this wouldn't have happened.

FuckYouAll: Bath bombs, huh?

xXLorenzXx: DONT YOU DARE

xXLorenzXx: FELIX DONT

xXLorenzXx: FELIX

FEARHER: (below is an image of Felix running out of Lorenz's room with an arm full of bath bombs. A blurry image of Lorenz is seen running after him.)

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: NOOOOO NOT THE BATH BOMBS

ThePrincessQueen: SOMEBODY STOP HIM THIS IS T R E A S O N

FEARHER: theyre just bath bombs guys

ThePrincessQueen: um hello???? i might despise lorenz like everyone else but come on those are LUSH bath bombs! those are SACRED

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: 10000000000%

FEARHER: what

Justbanme: Overly expensive migraine stuff.

FEARHER: i dont get it

Justbanme: Me neither. If I wanted a migraine, I'd just listen to Lorenz. No need to waste my money.

ThePrincessQueen: HEARSAY! CRUCIFY THE NON BELIEVER

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: BURN, VILE WITCH

ThePrincessQueen: *grabs torch*

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: *grabs pitchfork*

ThePrincessofHunting: *grabs sword*

ThePrincessQueen: Oh hello Petra!

ThePrincessofHunting: Hello Dorothea! Are we going to crucify the witch yet?

BernieTheKitty: no crucifying!!!!!

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: CRUCIFY CRUCIFY CRUCIFY CRUCIFY

xXCLAUDE420Xx: im all for a good wednesday crucifixion but seriously, how do i get this glitter off :/// 

HorseBoy: Like Bernadetta said: makeup wipes work!

xXCLAUDE420Xx: how do you know how to get glitter off of yourself hmmmmm

HorseBoy: I might've used it in one or two art projects!

ThePrincessQueen: "art projects" is that what you called your uta no prince sama phase?

HorseBoy: What?! I have no idea what you are talking about! I have no idea what that is, and if I did I would not enjoy it I am sure!

—————————————————————

(HorseBoy to ThePrincessQueen)

HorseBoy: Please, never mention that ever again. I tried removing it from my own memory.

ThePrincessQueen: but ferdie <3 we all went through an uta no prince sama phase

HorseBoy: Hubert didn't!

ThePrincessQueen: you do NOT know that

HorseBoy: ...

ThePrincessQueen: when i say everyone goes through an uta no prince sama phase, i mean eeeevvvvveeeeeryoneeeeeee

HorseBoy: Did Edelgard?

ThePrincessQueen: You didn't hear it from me, but we both miiiight still like it.

ThePrincessQueen: so you know what that means right? maybe a certain boy of yours went through a similar phase ;) maybe he's still in it ;))))

HorseBoy: Do I just ask him?

HorseBoy: God, why are we having this conversation?

ThePrincessQueen: nah i wouldnt be so forward with it, maybe be a little subtle with it

HorseBoy: Subtlety is my middle name!

ThePrincessQueen: bless your heart

HorseBoy: No u

ThePrincessQueen: <3

—————————————————————

(xXCLAUDE420Xx to xXLorenzXx)

xXCLAUDE420Xx: lorenzzzzzzz speak to meeeeee

xXCLAUDE420Xx: open your doorrrrrrrrrr

xXCLAUDE420Xx: ill get you new ones come onnnnnnnnnn

xXLorenzXx: That utter PEASANT of a man will pay. He thinks that he can do whatever he wants to me because he too is of nobility! I shall stand for this no longer! He shall feel the wrath of PROPER nobility rain upon him! He shall feel the wrath of a billion mighty gods on his grave! His name shall be last uttered by the gods of war out of spite before smiting his very soul into the hellfires of the earth. Mark my words, he shall become nothing. Nothing at all. He shall die alone without any friends or family to remember him by if I have any say in the matter. Which I do. Felix shall become nothing. Nothing at all, like the utter slug that he is. Complete and utter garbage, that one. What a waste of nobility.

xXCLAUDE420Xx: tru

xXLorenzXx: I'm glad you understand.

—————————————————————

#General

FEARHER: where. are. you. guys.

ThePrincessQueen: we're in the makeup aisle where did you go???

FEARHER: i was JUST there

ThePrincessQueen: well, where are you now?

FEARHER: wait i think i see edelgard

FEARHER: nvm 

FEARHER: i was just at the candy section

ThePrincessQueen: ok we're heading there

FEARHER: ok

—————————————————————

#General

FEARHER: where are you two????

ThePrincessQueen: the candy aisle!!! where tf did you go???

FEARHER: im outside

ThePrincessQueen: why are you outside?!

FEARHER: because i thought you two would be smart enough to check

ThePrincessQUeen: lysithie dont

FEARHER: im heading back inside

ThePrincessQueen: Okay okay wait we're heading there

FEARHER: where?

ThePrincessQueen: outside

FEARHER: im in the makeup aisle now

ThePrincessQueen: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OVER THERE SO FAST?!

FEARHER: BECAUSE I WALK FAST OKAY?!

FEARHER: WHERE ARE YOU?

ThePrincessQueen: I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU WE'RE OUTSIDE JUST MEET US THERE

FEARHER: BUT ITS COLD

ThePrincessQueen: YOU WERE JUST OUTSIDE

FEARHER: YEAH CAUSEE I DIDNT THINK YOU'D TAKE EIGHT MILLION YEARS

ThePrincessQueen: OH MY GOD JUST GET OUTSIDE

FEARHER: I DONT KNOW WHERE THE ENTRANCE IS

ThePrincessQueen: WERE AT FUCKINF W A L M A R T

FEARHER: I DONT GO TO WALMART

ThePrincessQueen: AAAAAAADGBNKHZGFCJYCFBNDD

FEARHER: WHAT?! I DONT LIKE WALMART OKAY?!

ThePrincessQueen: WHYD YOU GO WITH US?!

FEARHER: BECAUSE EDELGARD IS MY FRIEND TOO, GENIUS 

ThePrincessQueen: NO SHIT SHERLOCK

FEARHER: NO SHIT FUCKER

ThePrincessQueen: LYSITHEA

Beautiful Bitch Slayer: so, how's everyone's afternoon?

—————————————————————

(Hubert to HorseBoy)

Hubert: Are you feeling well?

HorseBoy: I am feeling fantastic! Why, is there something wrong?

Hubert: Must've been my imagination.

HorseBoy: What was?

Hubert: It just looked like you had something on your mind.

HorseBoy: Actually...I think I do. There's something I need to ask you, Hubert.

Hubert: And that is?

HorseBoy: It's a bit...difficult to talk about.

Hubert: What is it? Is it urgent?

HorseBoy: Do you like Uta No Prince Sama?

HorseBoy: Um, Hubert?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sleep deprived and gay
> 
> i have never seen uta no prince sama but i felt like that bit was necessary

**Author's Note:**

> That was the first part! Hope it wasn’t too bad uwu! ily y’all pray for claude’s minecraft


End file.
